So it’s bright Sunday morning and I am fortunate to have my baby girl with me making it brighter than it would have been…having a nice chatter over a cuppa laughing our heads off and yap-yapping upon things silly as they can be…damn serious as hell too…Kriti..my baby has a way with things to make the most difficult subjects sound so easy-naturally flowing, a matter fact and spontaneous…
Lemme tell you though my baby girl is NOT much of a baby anymore! She is actually all grown up 22 now bless this little missy! My baby sister…some 15 years younger to me. And Oh! I tell you she can be so strongly opinionated, she has a mind of her own, doesn’t budge once made up her mind on something…Dangerous! She can be such a gran too with all her – snarls, looks of disapproval, incredulity…when you can’t but listen to her.. ….She is one bright young woman basking in such confidence that can take you in the awe overbrimming life, charm ..She is SO immature yet so mature…monkeying around…chomping on anything edible she finds……like a tod, it goes straight in her mouth and you hear her say – not nice! Well…why did you have it, love? Lol! That’s Kriti for you…
We share a “chemistry.” I had a very close someone just say that! Makes me smile I love the sheer thought of it…How come I never thought of it?
So we practice what we like to think a perfect sign language lol! Such expertise and mastery at the sign language lol it’s super-duper insane! We instantly know what the other is thinking just with an exchange of glance or the body language. Me and her…together we are all about crazy winks, knowing smiles, silly frowns, quick nudges, a kick or two that is supposed to be the discrete signals only the both of us can decipher…Hands on hips or a piercing glare- normally a threat lol!- See what I do to you now!
Snarls- I hate what you are doing…an edgy disapproval to be understood for a hint not to do something in particular…its a total no-no..not happening dude!
Warm hug- I share your feelings, so happy for you, couldn’t be happier. An unspoken promise to be there through thick and thin. No! There are no rights and wrongs here…she understands me and I totally understand her. By the way, I have been showered with tonz off late…we share a little secret..and she seems happy for me- very complicated though and she won’t give out much just -a warm smile and a hug. Not giving things another thought…I have been reassured I am not to worry…it is all gonna be fine 🙂 and THAT means a lot to me..
Only day before yesterday I felt a piece of me just suddenly leave me forever- gone missing…my beautiful problem child is all grown up….been through hell and I knew not.
She was but all loud and noisy with completely nonstop nonsensical chatter as ever….while I was breaking down every minute as she reveals her pain…feel the warm twinge of desolation roll down my cheeks, as the warm damp pearls of helplessness fall uncontrollably making me feel like an utter idiot I wasn’t there for her, couldn’t be there for her…..and she is alleging me for making a big deal of things….
So I man up feign all is cool and I am all cuddles with a good glug of random emotional talks – I am here for you forever… accompanied with meaningful teary hugs… That’s us sorted!
We have shared a considerable length of time-history together which normally might be a bit hard for some to relate to. The togetherness, spending time enough to know each other in ways no one else can and does perhaps, growing up with little family jokes that only we can relate to, most importantly her understanding of me as a person- likes, dislikes, fears, weaknesses, strengths, soft spots and mine of her. It is something I so cherish, what makes our bond so unique and special. My baby she is…quite literally..She arrived much earlier than my little gorgeous monster did who has now turned 3 bless him! We share a connection which so difficult to express in words…all I can say is her smiles make my day, her excitement is so infectious makes me wanna dance, her happiness thrills me like anything and it makes my heart bleed when she is hurt! Swear I am not lying if I could lay my hands on whoever dared to bring tears to my little beauty…quite happy to kill him!
Oh and me…Well plodding along the hard yards…doing best as I can under the given circumstances.. Quite brutal recent knocks of life have toughened me to numbness, feels like the heart has turned to stone but all the same…I can see the pain of which settle in my doll ever so subtly and THAT kills me! Taking the shape of such heartfelt strong opinions which may be biased? I am not sure…
It is her age to dreaming of big dreams, aspirations taking a flight soaring high..being in love with the thought of being in love..be dazed, be in love…and NOT be there thinking or commenting about how overrated-over celebrated this entire un- comprehensible-complex- misunderstood affair marriage is… It is so not her age to think on the lines of – Marriage could be futile…that there is a possibility for it to be all hollow…for all you care it is all adjustments and no true happiness…She totally loathes the idea of marriage…I can’t but stare blankly at her soft features change and stretch into curt lines of distrust-heartbreak and incredulity…
Breaks my heart…but hey…what can you do….
This girl… God save me…no she ain’t stopping it here….
Pretty as she is…throwing her hands up in the air…flicking her lovely brown locks…making her look even more beautiful….
Rolling her big-bold winged kohled beautiful eyes in disbelief and shock- Whatever is wrong with the world..marry…why? Coz its the right thing to do? Is it coz all your friends get married? Is it coz family wants you to get married? Is it coz your biological clock might be ticking….world has lost it! Lost it big time…
I am here all stunned quiet at how deeply she grasps the dark truth. Amidst all the tension in the air, my attention goes admiring her attractive-pleasing self and I am thinking- God my baby is so haawwt! Darn, she IS beautiful…basking with such confidence could take you in the awe. Also in my heart, I am thinking she deserves a good man…and the phantoms of dark possibilities give me a fright and I find myself going- Nahhh may be not marriage… And I try to throw in my 1% of light veined humor- concentrate on boys! Let’s not talk marriage…
Never so resolute she announces – Enough is enough! Independence, love, respect, happiness, and sense of fulfillment..all we need really..and marriage? What has it ever given anyone..? Only adjustments, compromises, sacrifices? IT can’t give any of those important things.. true love does… love that has much respect for it…coz she further repeats louder this time….
As always she has something big to discuss with her rather older sis…today it happens to be- Why marry? For license of society? For sex that is certified?
Am I up for it…Nah! So DONT wanna do this…not with her…..but she has decided and there is nowhere for my escape…I saw this coming…and she has some great-very interesting questions going in her little big-head 🙂 about marriage and she is gonna plonk it all on me…Phewwwww….only if I had equally great answers to it… I know what I might best do..throw my hands up in resignation or just give a shrug or two…or just kiss my teeth in agreement!
She is going – Why does love…true love have to be licensed by society? Why is the legal stamp so important? Isn’t love complete on its own? Why marry? What’s the marriage for? Just to announce that sex is occurring within legal boundaries? Can’t we do without this certification of the social construct? You call it give and take? A contract? No, it’s worse…it is a terrible dependence…she thinks its “stupid” and “baseless” way of announcing to the world the sexual arrangement between a couple… less about caring- sharing and all the mumbo-jumbo!
She draws this beautiful parallel that enthralls me totally.
My petulant baby girl with her super sexy eyebrows all raised up to get her point across to me. This mole on her chin only adding to certain added stubbornness that makes her look so cute she sounds and looks trying to sound all business-
Two close friends..right! They do everything for each other…love share…partners in sadness and happiness…help each other…love each other…want to do things to make each other feel special…care for one another….does THIS need a certification from the society? No? Right? Then what happens when it’s a couple involved? If they really love each other…want to give each other part of themselves which is all selfless…want to ensure the other is happy and looked after…what is wrong with that? Why can’t they? Why is that a big deal? Why and how does that become any different? And if you wanna do everything in your might to make that person happy and complete in any way….why a big deal?
Goshhh isn’t she going down my alley already? I believe marriage is such an unnecessary stupid extravaganza-useless spectacle of glitz and glam for no reason…such a sense of waste takes over me…and I have just sat there staring her going nonstop rant of how pathetic marriage is… I couldn’t agree more with her and every word she utters is all my thought on it too…honestly! I agree on everything she is saying…
As heavy as it sounds my heart is experiencing this unexplainable whirlwind of mixed emotions of half guilt-pain and pride of witnessing my baby grow up so quick! It’s a joke…It feels like it was only yesterday where I was picking up nice frilly dresses for her…and here she is giving philosophical lessons…bit saintly perhaps? Not sure…but surely way too heavy for my heart to bear…
Dunked in this strange humiliation and guilt that could honestly kill me I am praying and hoping silently that it’s not my 10 years worth of badly-sadly failed marriage that is not painting her opinions all biased and I really wanna somehow get her to start believing in merrier bits (if they exist) of marriage…..they CAN be happy, you know…even as I am saying this my guilt pangs keep pulling me completely taking me into this haze of unsurity of words I wanna pick…I am NOT sure if you can ever be happy in a marriage….all I know…it is not all bad…not all good…surely NOT as beautiful as it looks. I wish I genuinely had something nice and comforting to say about marriage but all I can say is it’s very difficult, challenging. Certainly been for me and I feel completely weary at the thought of it. It is daunting the kind of ways it starts to affect you if your marriage fails to provoke me to think quite genuinely- Why not save us this trouble in the first place? As simple as that….and even as I am thinking this I am trying to grope for somehow to come up with some great things to talk about marriage…I am struggling…rattling my head…none! Complete zilch! Still…I insist in a shaky completely unconvincing tone I manage in a rather sheepish voice- It is not all that bad you know Kriti! I am well aware this is so NOT true…I am yet very much to come across one couple that has to say all rosy things about marriage – No my love…marriages are NOT all that bad you know…Just coz mine failed doesn’t necessarily mean all do…who knows you find your prince charming one day and you will have all the happiness you seek….
Instead of saying all this I find myself swallow a big lump and it fills me with weird emotions hard to put into words… Kriti is growing way too quick…into a very attractive young woman and she has her mind all made up…she is NOT going down that lane…- Won’t marry! Period!- she says!…it hurts….I just hope it’s not one of the species…sorry I know it’s not fair to generalize but in general, it’s like men to hurt lol! No? Perhaps not NO I don’t mean this just being silly…just stupidly possessive protective it’s just the big sis talking!
Well, everything said and done…parking aside what Kriti thinks and believes. Really do feel it’s the feeling of completeness, happiness, wholeness, loved, to love, to commit- be committed to create-cultivate the positive feelings of love-care and happiness that matter at the end of the day. You need someone to love..selflessly with your entire being…giving up yourself…that matters…
Whether or not you give it the garb of marriage is NOT significant…that love must blossom..stay alive be bonding the two ignited hearts with never ending love and care…
To repeat Kriti- Love and commitment surely IS complete on its own if it does exist and is true… doesn’t need the certificate of society…