Tanvi Kumar Hi My name is Tanvi, I am a freelance journalist and a writer. Love to express and connect to people. My writings are essentially a part of me. Mainly done writing, involving different styles, from educational to spirituality and travel to various facets of lifestyle.Always been inclined to art. Explored and experimented with all sorts of art. Be it painting on a canvas, creating a wonderland with edibles that tickles your palate, chiseling an attractive world of ideas that can be conceptualized into something working or simply sculpting a world with words with a tang of personal touch. Coming to think of it, anything starting right from crafting, cooking, ideating. Love them all.Besides that, I have a great interest in tarot and spirituality and I feel both of them go hand in hand. Iam an impulsive Tarot Reader, Rider Waite and plain playing cards being among my favourites. Like to think it’s a Devine tool guidance. Omnipotent has means and ways to reach us and is above everything and everyone. Right from the beginning I always found myself penning down my most heartfelt experiences which would always lend such great sense of fulfillment, almost cathartic! Before I realized it grew as a passion and all my strongly felt emotions, experiences, spun into poems, prose and articles. Never hesitated to pen down any promptings that I felt coming from within.This is who I am, this is what I do, I write. Just a few words about who Iam. Iam a mum of a two year old. And oh! No it’s not easy being a mum! Is it? But it’s surely worth all the hard work. And that’s how my freelance career kicked off. Ever since I had my little man, I found it rather tough to juggle between work and looking after the non-stop demands of a little wailing baby. I had turned almost a zombie when I reluctantly decided to freelance. Coz I loved my job at Morrisons. my career didn’t quite start as a writer, though always writing, never disconnecting from the writer inside me, I continued looming up a world of words that found its expression in varied forms. Like any other 20 year old I was enamored by the thought of being independent and the quickest way to do it was a BPO! Well who doesn’t like making money? To be fair, it wasn’t all that bad actually. I realized I loved to connect to people, loved to have a nice laugh with them, strike a rapport, try to help them with all my capacity. Soon, I had a calling from within surely that’s not what I wanted to do, I wanted to write, to express, to reach to people. Which is when Times Group happened; I was a part of online division. Always having a bent towards doing something creative. Times threw me an opportunity to do just that. The job required to me ideate, conceptualize, write for different events. What I enjoyed most was the radio bit, I have sung jingles, broadcasted the forecast subjects Tarot and Astrology. It was all so creative and fun at the same time. Getting married, straight after which I had to leave the job as we moved to the UK, where I started working as a freelance journalist, writer, content developer, alongside working at Morrisons at customer service. Been a part of Aceville Publications, Edge Allen, Morrisons in house magazine. All of us have dreams and aspirations in life. And so do I To be successful, to make a difference. That’s what I would like to do, that’s what I aspire to be.

Why do you think I’d wanna do it all over again?

7 min read

Why do you think I’d wanna do it all over again?

So here’s the thing….

Goodbyes are never easy…are they?

Time is the biggest catalyst to leaven things…People….relationships…everything…..pretty much everything changes with time…

Hate saying this…but I have as well….I don’t feel like the same person anymore…

Tables turn they say….they did…they have…tables have turned….

I shudder even as I say this…I dunno how this has happened…It’s SO not me…your happiness is all I ever cared for…wanted…can’t see you in pain…sometime back I would have done-sacrificed anything to be with you…but I don’t want to anymore..

I am trembling-dying inside even as I say this…I don’t want you anymore…I have been through a lot….not been easy while you happily whiled away time…discovered who I really am…..glad you gave me this chance to discover my strengths…I have grown….had to do the hard yards but I wish you could see I am no more I used to be…

You say you want to talk to me….alright…

Do I want to talk to you though? Not sure…Quite certain I don’t want to…

But I am advised I will need to coz things need to be sorted out….this way or that…

Wonder why it took you so long…all I did till now was wait for you…was dying to hear the words I would relentlessly say to you- I love you…I miss you…Still waiting for you…Still a part of you..

Now…none of the above…I dont miss you…just pray that you are okay…not waiting, aware you were long gone…part of you? You tore me off you while I bled in agony you couldn’t see you chose your big EGO…my heart still in a state of shock always thought…How could you? Put us on stake?….you did nevertheless…every second my world was tumbling down coz you were a part of me…(no more) you were nowhere around….I fell apart…into million pieces….words do no justice to the pain I felt..

I am having to do this with a heavy heart….hating to….

Even if I said yes agreeing to speak to you…I really don’t have much left to talk about…it was you who chose to walk out of my life not me…I did my bit many-many..very many times but you never seemed interested…for worse I always was given the cold-

I don’t miss you…

I don’t love you

I don’t see you in my future…

Whatever makes you suddenly change your mind?

What about me? Mountain of time has gone between you not standing the sight of me and now suddenly wanting to speak to me…mind you I still do not know what you are so wanting to say…

I am too tired…I don’t even wanna know….whatever it is…I couldn’t care less…

All I can say…you are the last thing I wanna think about…leave alone talking…

You painfully remind me of the shattered dream I aspired to dream with you…The useless-hopeless-loveless-lonely mess that I had become waiting for you…my shattered spirits..my ruthlessly slaughtered trust….completely overkilled being of mine….The thoughts of you haunt me…don’t like them…it just somehow pulls me into the pitch black sultry sadness I so don’t wanna be in anymore…..all these years I cared… only-solely cared about your happiness…what you wanted and how you wanted….still failed to please you….utterly failed at everything…

Now I am DONE! Haven’t got much left to give you….

Still healing….need time to completely recuperate

Bit abrupt…..music!…what I need…yes that’s what…how I have survived through my topsy turvy ride…completely unnecessary unwelcomed excitement of my life…only thing that seemed to have worked…

Simon Webbe! …Love his voice…like totally…he has a magic about his warm-deep voice that seems to calm you down making you settle a bit…every song…every word resonates…

If it weren’t for him I really dunno how I would have managed to survive the past few days…which have been such a menace…

Music somehow has been such a medicine to my withered heart…scathed spirits…my totally waning being…..as the doubts surround me…that weird eerie-ominous dark menacing clouds of uncertainties eating up like cancer….I just brace myself and take to the retreat of Simon Webbe…..How I love his soulful voice…such healing-warm-touch his voice seems to have..

While feeling totally exhausted-weary with my spirits so lame capable at all to think or feel anything…I hear this gorgeous man’s voice again…

…… I am sorry…didn’t mean to hurt you

…..begging come home come home…

Those are the last words I wanna hear from you..

One day too late I am gone…moved on yeah..

It’s like Iam lost in the desert
And Iam alone out there
But I already kinda like the idea

….Me myself and I..lonely but alright

I wanna tell you I aint playing a game

Me myself and I too late to apologise

Why do you think I’d wanna do it all over again…

Hearing which I felt such intense emotions..and rush fill me…couldn’t be more sure…

Resolute…like never before I decide I NEED to make this happen…and figure out what I wanna do for the rest of my life….and get myself off the endless misery…..for good…

But even knowing what may be the right thing for you to do..How is one expected to feel when they are to make the biggest decision of their life….unsure? In dizzying doubts…completely uncertain…least sure of what might happen next and if it is the right thing for you to do or just a decision too selfish that drags many that mean more than your life in the heart of darkness…

Trouble is…I am not quite sure of how I feel…

Do I want to go ahead

Wanna wait some more…

What is the point waiting really….

Which suddenly takes me back to the elephant-sized days impossible to pass…tried ever so hard to do get myself involved…engaged in things that were to keep me happily engaged….and all I would manage with great difficulty used to be…..tear soaked nights…..every second I was dying inside….sobbing myself to very restless sleep….waking up every now and again not believing he did manage to do this to me….I would lie awake till stupid-O’Clock..and then see the sunrise too….wasn’t I a zombie..! My days!

Why didn’t I mean to him anymore? Like he has always meant my life to me…in fact more than that…

How could he just abandon me…leaving me all stranded…so cold..

I would wake up wearing a brave face…pretending all was okay…making myself and others falsely believe – he was coming back…it wasn’t like him to keep away from me even for a day…but I dreaded that I could be all wrong…and I was…

…waking up with rather swollen sleep deprived eyes every second hour and wondering…thinking loud…

It is okay…I will wait for him….he loves me…he always has…he always did….he CAN’T do this to me…he just cannot…

Days stretched into weeks…weeks stretched into months…and months stretching into years now…

What have I been doing so far…I have been hoping against hopes….I have been waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting…..without a word from him….no texts…emails…phones are out of question…

So I thought…he is only upset…I will make it up to him…I wrote long letters the conventional way…dropped messages…emails saying-

Me and my little man were doing okay….Not that he ever cared knowing if we existed well at least that’s how it seemed…

I would send pictures…videos…..

He seemed so unmoved through the whole time…

THAT bit was most unacceptable and unbelievable part….how could he? How dare he?

Weren’t we still a part of him? Aren’t we still?

With my dear ones trying to explain the difficult nasty truth that just somehow denied sinking in to me…they would say…

You need to get real..everything is in front of you..

Forget him….now…if not now then when will he understand…

I have been a mess up until some very special people in my life worked their asses off I swear to try and put back life into the zombie-the walking dead I had become….at times it worked…at times it didn’t…most of the times I was pretty much a completely messy-messed up- mess!

It has taken me a lot to be what I am now…I don’t wanna be dragged into nothingness…and worse even if NOW you gave me…promised me all love and goodness…I just CAN’T do it…I have gone too far love….there is no point of return from here…

Though I am saying at this juncture I really don’t know what I should be doing….

TRUST is out of my system….you have trampled-butchered- my heart full of nothing but trust for you…killed my love I had/have…and completely annihilated me emotionally…psychologically…

I must confess it isn’t gonna be the easiest decision of my life but most important which is gonna impact my whole entire life. The hardest thing I have ever done in my life…can’t be easy..can it? Pleasant..in the least. If I did decide to…that is…I am going to be cutting myself off the prime years of my life which ironically got torn off me mercilessly when you at your whim just decided to throw me out of your life…with you gone…had gone a piece of me leaving the void..space-place which bleeds endlessly….still is…reasons I know not…completely unknown to me. I just know no matter what, can’t look back…gave you enough chances…gave us enough chances…time once gone doesn’t come back ever…does it?

You made enough mistakes…so did I perhaps…but don’t wanna make yet another one…and I am gonna save us both from the endless tears, misery and pain….

Sorry love…I am NOT a rag doll….Can’t do this anymore..

I don’t need you…Don’t…can’t…wouldn’t…can’t be more sure about this…

Now…sweetheart…you always thought – it was all about ‘me’…

So mistaken you were…it was all about ‘you’ ALWAYS….all about us..

Gimme one good reason…for me to stay and I will…even now..

It can’t be simply coz we were married….it is not really wise to just stay in the ties for the heck of it..Don’t see the point…what is the point carrying on the most unhappy relationship……it is not a punishment.. is it?..you deserve to be happy and so do I….

All I wish and pray now is that you find someone who can love you half as much as I DID….

Anyway after all that I have been through

I only ever have the two options to choose from…either not easy but important..

Either I decide to staying with you and be miserable(half-assed?..ideally want to walk away but consciously decide NOT to) If I do this I have to hold the responsibility for unhappiness coming my way…can’t moan,whinge, whine and groan about this…coz I am choosing this..

Or else

Walk off…call it quits…finish the miseries and unhappiness for good and find my happiness

All this while…I have been in the grind…flashbacks…memories…churnings happenings at the pit of my stomach…

Not happening…can’t do this anymore….NO! I want an end…I want to be able to breathe…

Why do you think I would wanna do this all over again?

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Tanvi Kumar
Tanvi Kumar Hi My name is Tanvi, I am a freelance journalist and a writer. Love to express and connect to people. My writings are essentially a part of me. Mainly done writing, involving different styles, from educational to spirituality and travel to various facets of lifestyle.Always been inclined to art. Explored and experimented with all sorts of art. Be it painting on a canvas, creating a wonderland with edibles that tickles your palate, chiseling an attractive world of ideas that can be conceptualized into something working or simply sculpting a world with words with a tang of personal touch. Coming to think of it, anything starting right from crafting, cooking, ideating. Love them all.Besides that, I have a great interest in tarot and spirituality and I feel both of them go hand in hand. Iam an impulsive Tarot Reader, Rider Waite and plain playing cards being among my favourites. Like to think it’s a Devine tool guidance. Omnipotent has means and ways to reach us and is above everything and everyone. Right from the beginning I always found myself penning down my most heartfelt experiences which would always lend such great sense of fulfillment, almost cathartic! Before I realized it grew as a passion and all my strongly felt emotions, experiences, spun into poems, prose and articles. Never hesitated to pen down any promptings that I felt coming from within.This is who I am, this is what I do, I write. Just a few words about who Iam. Iam a mum of a two year old. And oh! No it’s not easy being a mum! Is it? But it’s surely worth all the hard work. And that’s how my freelance career kicked off. Ever since I had my little man, I found it rather tough to juggle between work and looking after the non-stop demands of a little wailing baby. I had turned almost a zombie when I reluctantly decided to freelance. Coz I loved my job at Morrisons. my career didn’t quite start as a writer, though always writing, never disconnecting from the writer inside me, I continued looming up a world of words that found its expression in varied forms. Like any other 20 year old I was enamored by the thought of being independent and the quickest way to do it was a BPO! Well who doesn’t like making money? To be fair, it wasn’t all that bad actually. I realized I loved to connect to people, loved to have a nice laugh with them, strike a rapport, try to help them with all my capacity. Soon, I had a calling from within surely that’s not what I wanted to do, I wanted to write, to express, to reach to people. Which is when Times Group happened; I was a part of online division. Always having a bent towards doing something creative. Times threw me an opportunity to do just that. The job required to me ideate, conceptualize, write for different events. What I enjoyed most was the radio bit, I have sung jingles, broadcasted the forecast subjects Tarot and Astrology. It was all so creative and fun at the same time. Getting married, straight after which I had to leave the job as we moved to the UK, where I started working as a freelance journalist, writer, content developer, alongside working at Morrisons at customer service. Been a part of Aceville Publications, Edge Allen, Morrisons in house magazine. All of us have dreams and aspirations in life. And so do I To be successful, to make a difference. That’s what I would like to do, that’s what I aspire to be.

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