Today, it’s our fifth Marriage anniversary and the rarest thing about this anniversary is that today are married nomore.
It’s over five long years of our Marriage and the reason why I term it as long remains the fact that it was me alone living this marriage for long and so long. I’d never thought things would turn this dismal way in my life after giving my all and getting back nothing at all.
We had opted for a Marriage after our courtship for two years and today it’s seven years since we know each other. And do we really know each other is a dilemma.
I never knew a love marriage could push me from the cliff of happiness to everything full of despair and the love of my life would lead me to hell.
Through the first few years, I tried to know a lot as in what was going wrong and after doing everything possible to get things right, and tried to know what was that inch of thing left undone in our relationship. I couldn’t understand the turn of events and kept considering him to be so engrossed in his work that he might not probably be able to share his time with me. I still remember the first day we first met. He was all glittery eyes on me and love happened to him at his very first glance, which took a few weeks for me to fall for him though. And slowly and gradually we were both so much in love. And after two happy years of knowing each other we finally tied the knot for a happily ever after with our families being equally happy with it.
Few years later to our marriage as I unveil my reminiscences, I remember myself being completely lost in our world. He wouldn’t listen to my talks. He would never go out with me. Numerous dates we used to go on earlier times was replaced by loneliness in our relationship. Whenever he’d be at home, he’d choose to stay inside the room and lock himself up. Later did I realize, he had started drinking and he’d keep himself surrounded with bottles and despairs inside the room and I was not allowed. I wanted to hug him tight and tell him I am there for him because I was there with him unaffected by his choice of not letting me in. How badly did I love him. How badly did he hurt me. A love marriage gone wrong. How did it land upto this. Why couldn’t he listen to my silent cries and my dull eyes that were thirsty to see him looking at me just for a moment to light them up. But darkness had gotten inside our relationship so hard and kept prevailing ever so hard.
I kept trying to get him back to our ‘once upon a time’ story. I kept trying to talk to him but he would just not listen to me and just not want to listen. He would stay late evenings extended upto late nights in office and some days he wouldn’t return home leaving me in a pool of pessimism hovering over our marriage. I’d try to contact him to know his whereabouts and he’d sometimes text me that he wouldn’t come as he had abundant work and more of those times he wouldn’t care to answer. He had promised me to be there forever. I don’t know what lasts longer; Forevers or Nevers. And I think our forevers just turned into nevers. And so did his love for me.
Later months, I got to know he was involved with another woman and this came as an earthquake in my life. The floor shook off my feet and so did the sky above my head. My world was gone. I had married the love of my life and within a few months of marriage I was a stranger to him and he had been with another woman these years. He never told me this and he never told me to leave too. I was so much in love with him and with the fact of being a married woman that I didn’t think of leaving him but stay at his home as his second woman. This was the most vulnerable part of my life and the most terrible thing I could have done to myself. Days later, they started living together in another house far-off from the city. And I was left alone in hatred, emptiness, turbulence and ‘nowhere’ in life.
Few years I kept living alone in hopes of getting him back. I tried all my might. But he seemed never to return and never to take a look at my place or me. I was in a state of shock to a state of depression. I stayed locked in my place for months and years and never let the news of my ruined marriage reach out. The reason I didn’t term it as a ‘failed marriage’ is that I gave it all to this holy institution of togetherness. And that I was left alone wasn’t a sign of failure but destiny had played it’s game and so did his infidelity. And when destiny speaks, others have to just shut up. So we were shut up in our own weird worlds .
I felt so alone and crazy in life that I wanted to live nomore. But somehow I had this brave soul inside me which wanted me to come out of dungeons of loneliness and embrace my world that was far bigger and lovely than the only world I belong to which I had thought of.
I tried to connect with my family and friends and let them know what trauma I was going through. They came to my help. I disowned his house and went back to my parent’s place. They took care of me like their little childhood daughter.
My friends would gather up to movies and parties at home to make me feel good. Soon I started to move out and become comfortable facing the crowd. I was able to answer their curious questions now. And I didn’t feel any hesitation or guilt for I wasn’t wrong on my part. I had been a good wife to him and sacrificed my all to him.
But you know you shouldn’t give more than this .
Sometimes some people just don’t deserve you and it’s high time you realize this. And I realized this too. Being a second priority should never be your priority.
You should love people. You must keep trying. But if respect is not served, you must leave the table.
Today, I am separated from him on papers too. Separation within hearts happened long ago. He had promised to love me forever but as they say ‘forevers just don’t stay’. He didn’t stay and we didn’t stay.
I started working and today I am one of the most esteemed professors of my city. I am glad for my family and friends to have helped me grow. They helped me grow out of my fears and tears.
It’s important to love. It’s important to live your love. It’s even important to prove your love.
But what’s the most important is self love.
You have so much love in your heart. Give some to yourself.
Remembering that “I am my own’s before I am somebody else’s” made me believe in myself and understand that marriages are important but they cannot be at the cost of your life.
And from the ‘happily ever after’ to our ‘happily never after’; I shift back to a new world of happiness in my own beautiful world where some people come and go and the right ones simply stay !
Today, I stay engrossed in my own world with hopes of meeting somebody in life who’d love me with my scars and be proud of my journey and tell me that good people still exist.
And I am proud of my scars for they have stayed with me more than anybody else.
So, let’s not stop believing in the power of love and let’s not consider every marriage an unhappy one.
Let’s love our partners but let’s first love ourselves more first !