Endure this storm to embrace the rainbow that follows

(Based on problems between married couples, the 8 common reasons of problems, the 8 step rescue plan and how to get through this together)….

Every couple has their perpetual problems. These are the problems that you fight and argue about, but nothing seems to change. You plead your case, you hear their side of it, you may even reach some kind of agreement or compromise, and then, before too long, you are arguing about it all over again. Perpetual.

Early in your marriage, you may argue and disagree about a number of things. I mean, you should. You’re still figuring each other out and navigating what it’s like to live together. Your expectations and dreams are confronted with reality and those things never line up completely.

8 Common Problems in Married Life…

There are many common problems in married life and a lot of them can be avoided, fixed or resolved using many different methods and techniques. Here are different problems in married life that are common.

1.  Infidelity
Infidelity is a common problem in relationships. It includes cheating and having emotional affairs. Other instances that are included in infidelity are one-night stands, physical infidelity, internet relationships as well as long and short-term affairs. Infidelity occurs in a relationship for many different reasons; it is a common problem and one that various couples are struggling to find a solution to.

2. Intimacy
Physical intimacy is indispensable in a long term relationship but it’s also the root cause of one of the most common marriage problems of all times. Sexual problems can occur in a relationship for several reasons..

3. Values and beliefs
Certainly, there will be differences and disagreements within a marriage, but some differences are too major to ignore, such as core values and beliefs. One spouse may have one religion and the other may have a different belief. These include the way children are reared and the things they were taught during their childhood, such as the definition of right and wrong. Since everyone does not grow up with the same belief systems, morals and goals, there is a lot of room for debate and conflict within the relationship.

4. Life stages
Many people do not consider their life stages when it comes to a relationship. In some instances, marriage issues occur simply because both spouses have outgrown each other and want more out of life from someone else. This is a common issue among married couples who have a significant age gap whether is it an older man and younger woman or older woman and younger man. Personalities change with time and couples might not remain as compatible as they once might have been.

5. Traumatic situations
When couples go through traumatic incidences, it just adds more challenge in their married life problems. Traumatic situations are other problems that couples may experience.  A lot of traumatic events that occur are life-changing. For some married couples, these traumatic situations become problems because one spouse does not know how to handle the situation at hand

6. Stress
Stress is a common problem in married life that most couples will face at least once within their relationship. Stress within a relationship can be caused by many different situations and instances, including financial, family, mental and illness. Financial problems can stem from a spouse losing their job or being demoted at their job. Stress from family can include children, problems with their family or the spouse’s family. Stress is triggered by many different things. How the stress is managed and handled could create more stress.

7. Boredom
Boredom is an underrated but serious marital problem. With time some spouses become bored with their relationship. They may get tired of the things that occur within the relationship. In this situation, it comes down to being bored with the relationship because it has become predictable. A couple may do the same thing every day for many years without change or without a spark.

8. Jealousy
Jealousy is another common issue that causes a marriage to turn sour. If you have an overly jealous partner, being with them and around them can become a challenge. Jealousy is good for any relationship, as long as it is not a person being overly jealous. Having a spouse that is overly jealous spouse can put a strain on the relationship; a lot of stress will eventually end such a relationship.

The 8-Step Rescue Plan…

When people marry they bring along a recording in their head of how their parents treated each other, and also how they were treated by their parents.  These relationships are where folks learn patterns of interacting for intimate relationships.  Decide consciously what to keep from your folks and what to do to save yourself from these problems. Marriage problems need fixing, not ignoring.

1.Make a list of all the issues about which you have disagreements.

2. Fix your focus solidly on yourself.

3. Cut the crap

4. Learn how to express concerns constructively.

5. Learn how to make decisions cooperatively.

6. Eliminate the three A’s ‘Affairs, Addictions, and excessive Anger’ that are deal-breakers.

7.  Radically increase the positive energies you give your partner.

8. Look back at your parents’ marriage strengths and weaknesses.  Decide what you want to do differently.

Okay; So Understand that ‘Relationships Are Complicated’…

Relationships are complicated. They are complicated because we don’t always know how to express how we feel or even where our feelings are coming from. That is to say, as much as we can, we should endeavor to increase our awareness of ourselves, to find out what it is that truly drives and motivates us, and then learn to describe those things to the person we want to be in a relationship with. We must be able to tell our own story if we have any hope of ever being understood by anyone else.

This is why counseling and therapy are so incredibly useful. In what other contexts of your life will you have the opportunity to be introspective and also have a witness while you verbally process all that you discover? In what other setting can you be safely guided away from the lies you have always believed about yourself?

Relationships are complicated, but when we can look both inward at ourselves and outward at the way we impact others, we can get better at living with and loving those around us.

Just Sit and Talk…

I guess I thought there would be more to it than just sitting and talking. “I mean, if I knew the problem and how to solve it, I would just do that. Isn’t there something else she can do? I’ve heard of this light therapy, or like hypnosis. I’m just not sure that sitting and talking is going to be all that helpful.”

I’ll admit, I laughed a little. I just love him so much! I pointed out that, in the hour we were there together, he shared two huge things with her that I had never heard him say before in all the years I’ve known him. He said things that gave me a little insight into our struggle, things that helped me understand him just a little bit more. He agreed, and as our therapist recommended, he attended the next appointment on his own.

Happy Marriages Experience Gridlock

It may be difficult to believe, but people in happy and healthy marriages experience perpetual problems and still find ways to love and honor each other. You know you’re gridlocked if you have done your best to speak to each other, to listen well, to be kind and respectful about the issue, and you find that the issue remains. To navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to first understand its cause. Whether the issue is momentous, like which of your religions to pass on to your children, or ridiculous, like which way to fold dinner napkins, gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other.”

Discovering each other’s dreams, finding out what you are each really hoping for, is the key to working through a perpetual problem. The problem itself may never be fully solved. You may never be able to wrap it up in a nice little bow. A solution isn’t really the goal. The goal, when dealing with these larger issues, is to better understand each other. Digging in to understand each other’s hopes and dreams is the beginning of that.

Make Understanding Your Goal

It would be amazing for both of us if we could come to a solution for our perpetual problem. But, we both acknowledge that we may not. At this point, we are on a journey with the help of our new therapist toward better understanding. I am learning more about my husband, he is learning more about me. Little by little, with each session, it seems that the tension and pressure we were both feeling before is being released. It no longer seems like a hazy fog over our marriage that we are both hoping will just go away. Because we are actively pursuing each other through counseling, the haze is dissipating, our communication is becoming clearer, our love for each other is growing.

We have a good marriage. Just because our marriage is good, that doesn’t mean it’s not hard. When our marriage is hard, that doesn’t mean it’s not still good.

Some of the problems in your marriage are here to stay. Some people discover after divorce that, while they are no longer dealing with the same perpetual problems, they are now dealing with new ones. The trick is not always in how to solve your perpetual problems, but in learning how to live with them, how to honor and respect each other’s dreams, and how to grow in understanding so that you can, with grace and joy.

Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. Problems in relationship occur because each person is concentrating on what is missing in the other person.In general, the problem in a relationship is when the couple stagnate. Hold no grudges and practice forgiveness. This is the key to having peace in all your relationships.  It is important to Work on your relationships…Relationships need renewal or they die.

Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.

A happy marriage isn’t about love only but more of friendship. Understanding each other is the key. And ultimately; “Happy couples understand that helping each other realize their dreams is one of the goals of marriage.” Easy though. Isn’t it ? Some problems in your marriage are here to stay. Stay together because problems aren’t always to stay.

Stay Married…Wishing you great Happily ever afters..

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