Deciding if you should get back together after a separation is never easy. Reconciliation is surprisingly common for many couples who have separated or even divorced, but is it a good idea for you?
There isn’t an easy-to-follow formula that will tell you if getting back together after separation is a good idea for you and your family, especially if you’re considering staying together because of the children. So how do you know if reconciliation after separation is a better choice than rebuilding a new life without your ex?
Give yourself time to listen to that still small voice, and trust your intuition
Occasionally and against the odds, some couples are able to regroup, retool, and experience some reconciliation after separation. Getting back together after a separation statistics corroborate that in failed marriages, while 87% of the couples finally call it quits and head for a divorce, remaining 13% still call it a truce and reconcile post-separation. Surviving a marital separation does not happen accidentally, however. Individuals who are able to overcome a temporary dissolution of marriage have typically engaged in a few tell-tale behaviors that ensure that things will work out for the marriage.
Moving back in after separation and reuniting with your spouse post temporary dissolution of marriage or a trial separation, is the ultimate aim that most of the estranged couples are hoping for. That is the date that is marked as an eventful day shrouded with a lot of anticipation. But as the day approaches there are so many apprehensions surrounding the reconciliation that this might be the last shot at resolving important issues and moving to reconcile with the spouse.
So you want to enhance your chance of getting back together after the separation? Begin with honesty while contemplating to reconcile after separation. You and your partner must be willing to honestly depict the issues that led to the trouble. Whether it be abuse, infidelity, addiction, or the like, the “cards” must be put on the table. If partners cannot be honest about the areas that hurt, then how can they expect to be forthcoming about the changes that need to occur to bolster the marriage? A third-party counsellor or mediator is always advisable. Seek the wisdom of someone who’s been there in the past or someone well-suited to offer you tools that help nourish honesty, vision, and intimacy.
Getting back after separation: The dos.
Can separated couples reconcile?
Reconciliation post separation is not just a wishful thinking, but a reasonable probability. If you are wondering how to get back together after separation, you need to take the right steps to enhance your chances of getting back together, save your marriage and rebuild the companionship between you and your spouse. After all, a lot is at stake and you won’t want the things to mess up or go in a downward spiral. Perhaps the next most important to step for those intent on getting back together after a separation, is to insert a healthy dose of transparency into the relationship. If the trust has eroded, then transparency is the appropriate antidote. Being open about finances, personal habits, and schedules will help the couple regain some measure of trust. It’s never a bad idea to consider coaching.
Additionally, you also need to be honest and ask yourself some difficult questions.
1) Did you end the relationship or did your partner?
During the separation, did you both get a chance to talk openly and honestly about what went wrong with your relationship? If no, then now’s the time to have an open and honest dialogue with each other.
2) Have any of you changed since the relationship ended? If yes, then how? Have those changes brought you closer together or further apart?
3) While you were apart, were you aware of what was going on in the other person’s life?
4) Are there any other important factors that could affect your relationship in the future if you get back together?
5) What new skills or resources are you both willing to use now to make the relationship work?
Give reconciliation a chance
A wise man once said, “Sometimes two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together.” Do you agree? Clearly, space has a way of showing us what matters, what doesn’t, what hurts, and what helps. If you are intent on putting your marriage back together, and your partner is willing to do his part, then, by all means, give reconciliation a chance.
But before treading ahead, consider signs of reconciliation after separation.What are the signs indicative of a spouse looking for a reconciliation? If your spouse gets nostalgic about the good time spent together and suggests seeking counseling or marriage therapy together.There is a consistent calmness, positivity and stability in your spouse’s behaviour and they assume ownership for part of their damage to the relationship.They might exhibit signs of worry about the outcome of the counseling but are nonetheless determined to do all it takes to save the marriage.
If you want to make your marriage work, here are some tips that will help you get back together after a separation:
6) Accept your mistakes:
To make the marriage work, you both HAVE TO accept your mistakes that contributed towards the break up in the first place. Couples who go down the path of reconciliation, must be willing to say sorry. Understand that forgiveness, trust, and openness to make amends will be the main ingredients that can save your marriage again.
7) Be ready for changes: Perhaps the most important of all things is to be ready for changes. Accept that the relationship cannot go back to where it was before the separation; because that will only lead to another failure.
Speak openly about your wants and desired changes. And be prepared to change yourself too for the sake of your partner.
Appreciate your spousewhenever you notice an effort from their side to improve the relationship. You too, must make efforts to let them know the same. Share your feelings, hopes, desires and your willingness to do whatever it takes to make this relationship a success.
9) Give it time:
Rebuild your relationship slowly and give it ample time, so you (as well as your partner) can be ready again for its many demands. Give each other enough time and space to work things out. When thought and importance is given to this, then both partners can think rationally and change whatever needs to be changed. Recognize your own faults and work on them too.
Here are some more ideas to rekindle your marriage and love all over again:
Be very honest with yourself right from the beginning.
Know that you are doing this because you 100% want to get back together; if any doubts persist in your mind, then seek a mediator, a counselor who could help you determine this. If you’re sure that you definitely want to save your marriage after separation, then you must invest enough to make some changes to enjoy a healthy and intimate connection with your partner again. Here are some more additional things to keep in mind:
• Prioritize your relationship
Remember that once you decide to give your relationship another chance, you must prioritize it over everything else in your life. This means prioritizing it over children, work, friends, in-laws, hobbies or your egos. You both must be dedicated and jointly responsible for nourishing your connection much like you would take care of your own child.
• Respect your partner
Another step towards repairing your relationship is learning to respect your partner all over again. There may be feelings of anger and resentment still in your heart because of your past but you need to let them all go. You need to love and respect your partner for who they truly are…Once you are able to achieve this, you can find a way to work through your differences in a manner that is kind and thoughtful. This must be the foundation and the very basis of your marriage and relationship.
• Be kind and compassionate
The simple act of always being kind and compassionate towards one another can save a relationship. If you embrace this attitude of always being kind and respectful towards your spouse, you will be able to resolve conflicts more effectively. Being mindful about this is essential for a lasting relationship. For example, if you find yourself to be angry with your spouse, you can still exhibit kindness by not being overly mean or critical of them. There’s no need to speak condescendingly or make mean remarks…Instead, cool down and explain your point when you know you both can talk about it nicely. On any given day, choose kindness over winning an argument.
• Express yourself
By expressing yourself, you let feelings of trust seep back in the relationship. Real intimacy is what keeps a marriage thriving. You can express yourself in a variety of ways:
1. Express your emotions when you share light moments, physical affection, non-sexual touching
2. Allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner and let them be vulnerable too
3. Talk about your day, important experiences, opinions, share fun moments together
• Have fun together
Make it a priority to have fun together as a couple once again. Not all is perfect in your life and relationship but that’s how life is. Take some time out to have a little adventure with your spouse. This will enable you to reconnect together as a couple; just like you’re did in the early days of your relationship. Yes, separation makes things complicated but this is your own unique way to show you still care about your significant other.
If your relationship is precious to you, and you don’t want fall apart again, then take the initiative to surmount your problems as a couple again and rekindle the love.
These tips should be useful if you are experiencing a broken relationship and are looking at how to reconcile after a separation.Give your all to the relationship; if things do not work out in a way you envisioned, be willing to knock the dust off your shoes and head out in a positive direction.