“THAT” everything is “sex!”

Dim lights, excellent weather to get you in the mood to go all sizzlers tonight and you have the hots for your partner! Sounds perfect, doesn’t it?

Yes! that does sound like just the right ingredients for a fabulously sensual-passionate-hot night promising hitting the rhapsody bursting into millions stars of ecstacy together! You already begin envisioning his/her beautiful gliding curves and that look on their face that gives such a sense of ‘achievement,’ ‘a reward!’ You just wanna dive in!

Except for they don’t want it!

Hey sorry for the spoiler but the hot intimate sizzling antic wrapped between the sheets with the fervent-frenzied-feverish feet all entangled just DOESN’T occur!

What is worse is I am NOT on about an odd day here or there. It is a persistently plaguing problem between the two of you. Surely something somewhere is amiss, something is seriously wrong.

Why? Well! NOT wanting your spouse is a bit not so normal. Is it? or let’s put it this way-

Lets not hesitate facing it. We have all been there, done that. We love our spouse, of course we do.Sorry honey, let me correct you there. Love and commitment are two different things. Ideally should and must not be separated are very subtly intertwined in a perfect relationship.

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But, says who relationships are always perfect though?

There always seems to be an inherent problem somewhere with the couples that face this problem but CHOOSE to slide it under the carpet.

They just avoid it somehow. Don’t wanna talk about it. Why?

Why and what is the hesitation? We are all adults and understand the importance of healthy sex in our lives. If you thought it is sheer and mere bodily need let me tell you that may be true to an extent but NOT the whole truth.

So what is the truth then? Well the thing is there has to be an emotional connection for any relationship to work married or partners living together.

Relationships thrive on touch-connect-affection-care. All of those are so connected that it comes to mean a complicated bunch of emotions that are inseparable. It is this particular, difficult to describe emotion that any relationship thrives on.

THAT is the reason why you always enjoy passionate moments most when your hearts are in it wholely, completely and it is NOT just SEX for sex sake. Tools and stimulation! All that is needed for an earth shattering orgasm right?  But that is so incomplete, absence of that human connect makes all the difference.

It is for the same reason we call sex between two lovers  ‘making love’ and NOT sex alone.

By all means you might be able to have sex. Have access to plenty of sex BUT not always love making.

The thing is when you make love you are able to connect to your partner at very many levels emotional-spiritual-mental. Your bond gets stronger with every instance of you making love and you only seem to want them all the more each time and never tire.

You are just never bored coz you just love them so much, it is them that make you whole, complete you. What you seek then is NOT orgasm alone but becoming one with your partner. Reaching that highest high with them is what makes sex making love, so special!

Do apologise if this rakes your sore spots but let us face it many a times our marriages completely are devoid of love but plenty of mechanical sex. May be loathsome orgasms too!

What’s sorriest is the fact that the making out that once was so pleasurable and satisfying has now eroded completely out of your marriage.

Right tools and mechanics all it is NOW! or even Sexless marriage!

So you are all set and all in the mood for a hot night. Just as you approach throwing subtle hints. Do you hear-

  • Honey! too late, really knackered wanna get some sleep.
  • Oh! I have a headache!
  • I got things to do…
  • There is too much on my plate tonight, I need rest.
  • Just blatant- Oh pleaseee for God’s sake!(blahh it DOES happen)
  • Rude as this- You don’t smell right! (Excuse me?  you didn’t just say that! did you? Blimey!)
  • Pathetic as defaming body- You are such a put off! Your bits not great to arouse me enough.
  • As crude as honest as this- Iam done with this, I don’t need it anymore!
  • Saddest and most noble- you think- I desire love, I desire touch, I wanna feel loved- wanted- cherished for what I am but your partner DOES’NT want you. What do you do! You honour their decision/their wish(of not wanting to have sex) over your desire and wishes.

Well to begin with it all boils down to partners NOT wanting sex with each other or at least one is perpetually NOT wanting it.

They find them undesirable. Don’t seem to want or miss intimacy with them. Iam choosing my words very carefully here. Iam saying “don’t miss” coz they really do not. This is why they are able to survive their marriage. They just get to learn to not ‘miss’ it. What happens?

  • They just learn to deal with it. Don’t think about it. Busy themselves crazy
  • They suppress their desires-needs-wishes-needs. Feel utterly depressed, with overwhelming sense self worthlessness.
  • Worse are the times, at times they just tend to lose all sensations whatsoever. Loneliness take them over like a cyclone and they only go all lonesome spiralling downward bottomless.
  • Take to things like porn and stuff
  • Perpetually unsatiated-unfulfilled-unsatisfied both in terms of love getting reciprocated and even sexual needs being met. Negative feelings take over, to name a few feeling unworthy-unwanted-frustrated-angry.
  • Touching selves? perhaps but that might only add to further frustrations. The feeling of pronounced emptiness realising they are living with the one who is meant to be the one they should be making love to.
  • I am gonna go as far as saying them taking to infidelity and extra marital affairs.

This is NOT done! Period! It just cannot. Just to make my point clear what I am trying to suggest is that- There are components within marriage related to sex which are the perfect fatal ingredients to kill your relationship and make it dead as good as not existing.

  • Persistently denied sex within the establishment of marriage! I would have thought, that is an offense similar to cheating. Is it not? You betray them denying them what should come to them naturally spontaneously.

Does this action rather inaction of not providing sex to your partner not account to taking to things shamed perfectly well by the society. Personally I would any day justify infidelity in such a case. Which is but an outcome, repercussion and not cheating as such.

Obviously things like extra marital affairs and infidelity happen mostly as a consequence to a badly failed marriage, particularly sexless.

  • Sexual dissatisfaction is a very serious issue within marriage which is constantly abstained from talking about.
  • Sexual dissatisfaction springs when people are continuously denied intimacy which obviously breeds the negative feelings of  betrayal-dissatisfaction- disappointments- anger-frustration which is never ending and only gets worse with time.

Hence concluding would it be wrong or unethical to suggest that spouses within a marriage have right to sex or even owe sexual gratification to their partners. We all have been brought up to believe that infidelity is ‘wrong’ ‘not done’ but why don’t they say what is ‘right’ ‘the done.’ That it is absolutely normal-expected-right to expect at least sex (if not love making) within marriage.

It is moral and ethical duty to stick to having sex within marriage with our respective partners. Right? Then why and how is it DONE or ethical to abstain or devoid one’s partner from it. Is it not a part of our moral duty to provide them their due? Yes Iam on about their right to make out love to you, having sex.

Why hesitate talking about it? Sexual gratification is important for anyone for a whole sense of wellbeing, the feel good factor. Within you two lies the capacity to transform this mechanical sex to magical edge of pure passion and sensuality!

Isn’t your partner responsible to provide you everything that counts to comfort-security-affection and love?

THAT everything is SEX.

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Tanvi Kumar

About the Author

Tanvi Kumar

Hi My name is Tanvi, I am a freelance journalist and a writer. Love to express and connect to people. My writings are essentially a part of me. Mainly done writing, involving different styles, from educational to spirituality and travel to various facets of lifestyle.Always been inclined to art. Explored and experimented with all sorts of art. Be it painting on a canvas, creating a wonderland with edibles that tickles your palate, chiseling an attractive world of ideas that can be conceptualized into something working or simply sculpting a world with words with a tang of personal touch. Coming to think of it, anything starting right from crafting, cooking, ideating. Love them all.Besides that, I have a great interest in tarot and spirituality and I feel both of them go hand in hand. Iam an impulsive Tarot Reader, Rider Waite and plain playing cards being among my favourites. Like to think it’s a Devine tool guidance. Omnipotent has means and ways to reach us and is above everything and everyone. Right from the beginning I always found myself penning down my most heartfelt experiences which would always lend such great sense of fulfillment, almost cathartic! Before I realized it grew as a passion and all my strongly felt emotions, experiences, spun into poems, prose and articles. Never hesitated to pen down any promptings that I felt coming from within.This is who I am, this is what I do, I write. Just a few words about who Iam. Iam a mum of a two year old. And oh! No it’s not easy being a mum! Is it? But it’s surely worth all the hard work. And that’s how my freelance career kicked off. Ever since I had my little man, I found it rather tough to juggle between work and looking after the non-stop demands of a little wailing baby. I had turned almost a zombie when I reluctantly decided to freelance. Coz I loved my job at Morrisons. my career didn’t quite start as a writer, though always writing, never disconnecting from the writer inside me, I continued looming up a world of words that found its expression in varied forms. Like any other 20 year old I was enamored by the thought of being independent and the quickest way to do it was a BPO! Well who doesn’t like making money? To be fair, it wasn’t all that bad actually. I realized I loved to connect to people, loved to have a nice laugh with them, strike a rapport, try to help them with all my capacity. Soon, I had a calling from within surely that’s not what I wanted to do, I wanted to write, to express, to reach to people. Which is when Times Group happened; I was a part of online division. Always having a bent towards doing something creative. Times threw me an opportunity to do just that. The job required to me ideate, conceptualize, write for different events. What I enjoyed most was the radio bit, I have sung jingles, broadcasted the forecast subjects Tarot and Astrology. It was all so creative and fun at the same time. Getting married, straight after which I had to leave the job as we moved to the UK, where I started working as a freelance journalist, writer, content developer, alongside working at Morrisons at customer service. Been a part of Aceville Publications, Edge Allen, Morrisons in house magazine. All of us have dreams and aspirations in life. And so do I To be successful, to make a difference. That’s what I would like to do, that’s what I aspire to be.

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