A second marriage or moving in with a father /mother of kids or teenagers seems daunting to the ears as it is imagined to be in real. With an increasing divorce rate sadly catching up in the modern countries of the world, it would not be wrong to estimate that finding an unmarried partner will become even more difficult in the coming decades.
Children from a previous marriage(s) are a bonus to such adventurous couples, who may be in for quite a rude shock if they underestimate this power game.
With three or more players in this marriage game, it can become a gamble only if there are coordination, prioritization, and sensitization towards the dynamic personalities and their inter-relationships.
Fact #1 -Your buttons will be pushed for sure
With kids involved and you stepping into their parent’s shoes after marriage, there will definitely be a power struggle.
In the rare case where they had an abusive parent and want to get their share of love from you, it will be a difficult journey ahead. If they meet their natural parent over the weekends or at your home, you will be in for some nasty comparisons which may make you feel less wanted.
But, accepting this as a part of this type of amalgamated marriage, with such complex human emotions involved is the best bet.
Commenting on your cooking style, parenting decisions, interference in their personal lives, comparison with your partner and their parents’ relationship; this will be starters for sure.
Dealing with patience, accepting them as “kids” , not trying to project yourself as the attention seeker in the relationship is a sure way to maintain calm in the house.
Fact #2- Your parenting style will be questioned
You may be an experienced parent already, or even completely new to the parenting game.
If you are an amateur, your skill level and inexperience will be judged.
If you are an experienced parent, then comparison and partial behavior towards your own kids will become a point of contention in the future.
It will look like a bunch of jealous and insecure kids grappling and vying with each other for your attention.
Older kids need their space and will not allow you to budge into their privacy, leaving this dimension only to their own parents. Try to respect that and avoid trying to win them over to your side.
Younger kids can be looked after and disciplined with common rules and routines and you can be doubt free and guilt free in their case.
The number of study hours , the holiday planning, sleeping and eating habits and what not is involved in this arena so tread carefully in this landmine.
Fact #3- You will look like a jealous partner
If you do not want your nacreous relationship to sway towards doom, then stop fondling and showering love on your partner in front of the kids.
Children need time to get adjusted to the idea that their parents will never live under the same roof again. The divorce may lead to frustration, psychological damage and extreme tantrums in kids of all ages. IT is never going to be easy for them to see you with their father or mother, as a replacement and caretaker.
They will take the negative route at the slightest pretext and cause disruption in your love life in the most innovative and nasty forms .
Fact #4- Comparison and blame game
It is quite expected that the kids will try to fill in the gap and admonish you for the slightest extra butter on their toast or for not making their favourite smoothie like their mom does. Comparisons are natural and considering you knew about this non-exciting aspect of this type of relationship, you have two paths to choose- either accept it with respect and a blank face that you have to deal with this comparison and turn a blind eye to it , or transform that favourite thing or activity of theirs with your personal touch to not let that bug bite you again.
With the ex-spouse, much a part of the scene, handling all the mud-flinging and blames can seem daunting, with them seeming to appear with a halo on their head and you with those devil horns.
Take your partner into confidence and engage the kids in some family activities and outdoor trips to help break the ice and remove that emotional barrier. They first need to accept you as their friend and well-wisher before acceptance as their parent.
Helping them out in those difficult situations from the background and not seeming too interfering is a slow and steady way to win over hearts and strengthen your bonds.
Fact #5- Stressful and not so easy love life
With so much drama happening in real life, there will definitely be little time for romance. It will require conscious effort and hard work on your side as a couple to spend time together without displaying yourself as the “much-in-love “couple in front of those prying eyes. Going out on date nights regularly may not be possible for every couple but spending at least half an hour with each other , away from the crowd will help brew that romance further.
Physical touch is necessary for that sense of belonging, love and contentment and following your love rules helps to stay in touch amidst the most harsh arguments and disagreements.
One such rule could be, no harsh words at all when angry-just leave the room and sit in the garden.
No break of communication when the kids are involved – use notes and messages to put forward your point if unable to convey it at that point of time- another rule.
Stress and depression are long-term effects of neglected relationships and who doesn’t want a peaceful and healthy relationship with their partners and their kids!