Marriage : A beginning or an end to problems

The institution of marriage is a well-thought of relationship that provides security and integrity to a couple. As an individual becomes mature, it’s quite normal for him or her to look for a more stable and long-lasting relationship in life. Marriage provides that stability and helps one remain focused in pursuing other goals in life. A Stable bond like marriage also helps one develop skills to be an effective part of the society. However, lot of apprehensions are also attached with marriage, with people fearing that the kind of romantic love they used to have for each other before marriage will no longer be there. There are views like couples start taking each other for granted after marriage and they tend not to give that kind of attention to their partner they used to give earlier. Lots of couples get married with this belief in their heads that the romance and love is bound to diminish after marriage and it is acceptable to be like this only. However, one must keep themselves from these negative notions. Any relationship is like a plant and it requires nurturing and lot of attention. Everything starts with a positive belief and an individual must affirm himself or herself before marriage that they will take positive efforts to make their marriage work.

There are many common problems in married life and a lot of them can be avoided, fixed or resolved using many different methods and techniques. Here are different problems in married life that are common.

1.  Infidelity

Infidelity is a common problem in relationships. It includes cheating and having emotional affairs. Other instances that are included in infidelity are one-night stands, physical infidelity, internet relationships as well as long and short-term affairs. Infidelity occurs in a relationship for many different reasons; it is a common problem and one that various couples are struggling to find a solution to.

2. Values and beliefs

Certainly, there will be differences and disagreements within a marriage, but some differences are too major to ignore, such as core values and beliefs. One spouse may have one religion and the other may have a different belief. As you may have guessed, this could cause major trouble down the line when one spouse gets tired of doing things separately, such as going to different places of worship. Such marriage problems are extremely common in cross cultural marriages. Other differences include core values. These include the way children are reared and the things they were taught during their childhood, such as the definition of right and wrong. Since everyone does not grow up with the same belief systems, morals and goals, there is a lot of room for debate and conflict within the relationship.

3. Life stages

Many people do not consider their life stages when it comes to a relationship. In some instances, marriage issues occur simply because both spouses have outgrown each other and want more out of life from someone else. This is a common issue among married couples who have a significant age gap whether is it an older man and younger woman or older woman and younger man. Personalities change with time and couples might not remain as compatible as they once might have been. Couples with age difference, who are in different phases of life face this problem in marriage

4. Traumatic situations

When couples go through traumatic incidences, it just adds more challenge in their married life problems. Traumatic situations are other problems that couples may experience.  A lot of traumatic events that occur are life-changing. For some married couples, these traumatic situations become problems because one spouse does not know how to handle the situation at hand. One spouse may not know or understand how to function without the other due to them being in the hospital or on bed rest. In other situations, one spouse may require around-the-clock care, causing them to be solely dependent on the other spouse. Sometimes, the pressure is too great and the responsibility is too much to deal with, so the relationship spirals downward until it comes to a complete end.

5. Stress

Stress is a common problem in married life that most couples will face at least once within their relationship. Stress within a relationship can be caused by many different situations and instances, including financial, family, mental and illness. Financial problems can stem from a spouse losing their job or being demoted at their job. Stress from family can include children, problems with their family or the spouse’s family. Stress is triggered by many different things. How the stress is managed and handled could create more stress.

6. Boredom

Boredom is an underrated but serious marital problem. With time some spouses become bored with their relationship. They may get tired of the things that occur within the relationship. In this situation, it comes down to being bored with the relationship because it has become predictable. A couple may do the same thing every day for many years without change or without a spark. A spark usually consists of doing spontaneous things from time to time. If a relationship lacks spontaneous activities, there is a good chance boredom will become a problem.

7. Jealousy

Jealousy is another common issue that causes a marriage to turn sour. If you have an overly jealous partner, being with them and around them can become a challenge. Jealousy is good for any relationship, as long as it is not a person being overly jealous. Such individuals will be overbearing: they may question who you are talking to on the phone, why you are talking to them, how you know them and how long you have known them, etc. Having a spouse that is overly jealous spouse can put a strain on the relationship; a lot of stress will eventually end such a relationship.

8. Lack of love

Love gradually seems to fade away in couples with time not only physically but on mental level too. Love is the basic Foundation of a Marriage and the essence must be kept alive at any point of time. The way one cares, understands and shares each other determine the levels of love in a Marriage. Just be loyal and honest and the love comes out effortlessly.

The Rescue Plan :

Marriage problems need fixing, not ignoring.  Here’s the 8-step pathway to rescue yourself from marriage problems:

1. Make a list :

Make a list of all the issues about which you have disagreements, including the issues that you refrain from talking about out of fear that talking might lead to arguing.

Your self-help treatment will be complete when you have found mutually agreeable solutions to all of these issues, and also have learned the skills to resolve new issues as they arise with similarly win-win solutions.

2. Fix your focus solidly on yourself :

Attempts to get your partner to change invite defensiveness.  No one likes being told they’re doing things wrong or, far worse, that they are a bad person.   Better by far for both of you each to use your energies and intelligence to figure out what YOU could do differently.

3. Cut the crap :

The point is that negative muck that you give each other is totally unhelpful.  It only taints a positive relationship.  That means no more criticism, complaints, blame, accusations, anger, sarcasm, mean digs, snide remarks. No more anger escalations either.

4. Learn how to express :

A simple way to do that in sensitive conversations is to stick with the following sentence-starter options like

How would you feel about that?  or, What’s your thoughts on that?

5. Learn how to make decisions cooperatively.

 I call collaborative decision-making the “win-win waltz.”  Win-win decision-making aims for a plan of action that pleases you both.  No more insistence designed to “get your way.”  Instead, when you have differences, quietly express your underlying concerns, listen calmly to understand your partner’s concerns, and then create a solution responsive to all the concerns of both of you.

6. Eliminate the three A’s that ruin marriages.

Affairs, Addictions, and excessive Anger are deal-breakers.  They are out-of-bounds in a healthy marriage.  Fix the habit or game over.

Most importantly, especially if you have children who need you to learn how to be more emotionally healthy as individuals and as a couple, is for the two of you both to commit to building a new kind of marriage.

That is, end the old marriage.  Build a new one with the same partner. Build a marriage where there are zero affairs, addictions or excessive anger and instead, abounding love and trust.

7.  Increase the positive energies you give your partner.

Smile more. Touch more. Love more.  More “eye contact.” More shared time and shared projects. More appreciation.  More dwelling on what you like about your partner.

Respond more often with agreement in response to things your partner says that in the past  you might have answered with “But…”. Listening is loving, especially when you are listening to take in information, not to show what’s wrong with what your partner says or to show that you know more.

Help out more.  Give more praise and more gratitude.  Do more fun activities together.  Laugh and joke more, do new things and go new places together.

The best things in life really are free.  And the more positives you give, the more you’ll get.

8. Look back at your parents’ marriage strengths and weaknesses. 

Decide what you want to do differently.  Decide consciously what to keep from your folks and what to do differently.

I’ve learnt that just because two people have differences doesn’t tmeanthey are not in love . There are often misunderstanding that creep up in a relationship. We need to understand and bridge the gap between ourselves. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. It’s the constant union of two hearts madly and deeply in love who can never give up on each other.

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