Somya said- It’s been days since you last wrote, why don’t you write something? True that, it has been sometime since I last let my emotions flow. Today seated here at the porch, isolated from the outer world, my thoughts somehow drifted back to the time, when I used to be a jolly, bubbly spirit. A fun lover and spontaneous person filled with optimism and energy.
With the passage of time, somehow I have lost myself, I am no longer the one I used to be. Not everything in life is static and this transition is a proof to it. I am sure by now the bubbles of curiosity should have arisen in your gut as to what went wrong? What was the tragedy? Why this change? So here it is, an excerpt to quench and burst those bubbles popping up in your stomach.
It was sometime back in the initial years of my corporate life. A new environment, new job, everything seemed almost perfect and I was all set to explore new avenues and acclaim success and prove the world. The ship was sailing in my direction, accomplishments and success showered in with time. And along with that, a new emotion knocked on my doors. It was a busy Friday evening, when I saw him for the first time. Semi-formal get up, spikes and a toned body- he seemed like a Greek sculpture. While I was hustling through some last minute papers, this guy walked up to my desk and asked- Excuse me, which way is the director’s cabin? I looked up and our eyes locked for a moment, there were tingles up my spine. The feeling was ecstatic and his voice- husky, it was! I cleared my throat, and blurted out the directions.
Somehow this encounter seemed to have an effect on me. I was not able to figure out the emotion and this was pure restlessness. That night, a request popped up in my Facebook account. It was him. Of course, I accepted it and we chatted for a while. Numbers exchanged, chat turned into late night conversations, couple of hangouts. I do not know it was him or me who first confessed, but within months, we were in a relationship and a lovely one indeed. His name was Aryan. I was flowing with the emotions and life seemed so perfect. It was as though we were meant for each other.
17th June, 03:53 p.m. – I still remember the exact timing. My world came crashing on me. A phone call and my life was put to a standstill. While we were planning to involve our families and take our relationship to the next level, destiny had different plans.
The phone call was from an unknown number. I generally do not pick calls from unknown numbers, but that day, there was this restlessness in me, that I had to pick the call. It was a random man- “Madam, car number 7042 met with an accident, we are taking the person to the hospital. Your number was the first on the dialler, so I called, please come soon!” My body went numb, I just could not react. My knees were wobbly. I mustered all the courage and rushed to the hospital. He was in the ICCU with all the pipes and tubes all over his body. The scene was unbearable. The doctor said chances of recovery are less, there is an internal injury and clot in the head. I begged the doctor to let me see him once.
While I was shaking from within, I entered the room. Tears welled up. He was awake. He stretched his hand towards me and I ran to his arms. My world was falling apart. Although I did not want to believe, I knew this was the end. His breath was steady, heart rate dripping. He wiped off my tears, and looked into my eyes. He smiled and…there was darkness! I lost him to fate.
Before he left me, he whispered- “I am sorry, I love you!” These words still haunt me every day. I long for his touch, his presence around but the only thing around is vacuum. I could not cry that moment. I just kissed his forehead and left from the hospital.
It has been 5 years now since Aryan left. But my soul is still trapped in that hospital room. Tears have left my side since that day. Seems my soul died with him. I am alive but not alive. I smile but don’t feel the smile.
Life goes on and so does you. So here I am walking along with the phases of life as a machine with no emotions. I have a body but my soul is no longer mine. While everyone would say you need to move on or time is the best healer, the truth is there is no power in this galaxy which can heal the pain of losing a loved one. With time you just learn to live with the pain, just the way I did.