So I am sat there on the couch staring at the screen looking so engrossed watching a programme on the tele that everyone seems to be enjoying so much and I manage to participate with a ‘oh yeah you are right’ to go..though in my head I am thinking – It’s his birthday today and here I am sitting feeling absolutely helpless at the vulnerability of the situation…wonder how he is keeping or if someone baked him his favourite ‘Pineapple Cake,’ the mention of which always lit up his face like a child…
I wish to speak to him so much all the time dreading I will be misunderstood YET AGAIN! I hate reminding myself just the number of times and the different occasions he managed to tell me in different ways, in voice so cold – How he didn’t miss me, didn’t want me to be a part of his life and how these 10 long years have been such a torture for him…
So much so I am beginning to feel convinced that he may be right. If not, why wouldn’t he miss me, why wouldn’t he love me…also thinking if I did justice to being a good wife. In most likeliness probably NOT but I did care, I still do..I still love him..
Between…everyone’s enjoying the snack..and oh of course I love it…it’s apparently my favourite except for it tastes metallic…I am trying to enjoy it but why is it so distasteful and suddenly I just spit it out snapping – Maa what have you made, it doesn’t taste the same anymore….
I so want to stop but I keep hearing the track from Ace Of Base..in my head..
…..Don’t tell me that you wanna leave
If you wanna leave darling
I won’t beg you to stay
If you wanna go darling
maybe it’s better that way…
SO LOUDLY it is giving me a splitting headache…Just want to catch up on my sleep, how I would love that. Thought of a snug warm duvet and my sweet slumber…
Haven’t slept at all in days and I am thinking it’s been so long our life has been way offline..
Can’t remember when was the last time he held me in his arms or just simply said to me he wanted to spend time with me or that I mean to him…I realise I DO…I mean ‘Pain’…constant reminder of his hurts…It’s impossible to express how it feels to have hurt or to be hurting someone who means so much to you and how it hurts that they mean everything to you and that you mean nothing…absolutely nothing to them….heart bleeds surprising can’t manage a drop of tear…feel like such hurt just freezes your heart…everything seems pointless..
Whats my fault? What is his fault? Who decides? All I know is that there has been too much bitterness to bear, too many heart breaks, very many misunderstandings, elephant sized communication gaps, plummeting conflicts, adversities that surely didn’t help
I tried my bestest to pull through and I am 110% sure he did as much. But there have been some very severe cracks from the twee soft loving ties that hold you securely together..we had been trying hard to gather us together only to fall to pieces everytime..
It is definitely tearing me apart to think the way we had/have been coz I fail to see whose fault it is.
No love, no cordial exchange of words and oh the physical aspect got thrown out of the window ages ago but you see the rituals had to be done, the chores did get performed alright!
Everything actually seemed great on the outside. In fact we shone as the epitome of happiness together outwardly. Oh! How we loved being doting parents as a unit, we love our little monster and do all we can to see his happy little face bless him! We seemed happy when outside enjoying the family gossips, at friend’s gathering. But only that when it was just the two of us all by ourselves if it wasn’t for something random as ‘we need to get groceries,’ ‘oh this friend is getting married,’ ‘do you need a cuppa tea?’ it was always impossible to make a conversation coz we would just end up in a heated argument.
What is most surprising is, often got told – You make a brilliant couple! Ahh bless! you compliment each other? Were we really? If we were we wouldn’t be at this crossroads of life so completely fallen apart, so unhappy with what we are doing with our lives…wasting it perhaps..aren’t we? The control seems to be slipping out of our hands…all we can do is watch everything slowly slip away…the dull ache your heart feels can’t be expressed whatsoever…
And Ouch! That hurts…
Such overwhelming sense of loss, futility,angst, emptiness, hopelessness surrounds that it only gets more and more difficult to breathe no matter what we do, no matter what we try…all to the same consequence..to fall flat making us look like utter idiots married for 10 long years and don’t know how to handle marriage…
Does this sound similar? If it does then I really do hope that you sail through these testing waters. Must say it is never easy. In most likeliness just like us you may have convinced yourself it’s the end. You have done it all. As a matter of fact, THIS is where marriage begins, this is where we forgive and forget. That is the hardest thing to do. We are not very accepting are we? Don’t we all just get tempted to think, have had enough and obviously enough is enough. But I have come to realise it never is easy, is it? It is super easy to find faults in each other and completely forget the good bits, even if that existed briefly or may be at times things may have started quite bumpy. It seems sadly many of us just like me have been dragging our marriages.
Been inconsolable and so lost till I actually bumped into this someone who happens to be a great friend in the making. Sam, an entrepreneur married with 3 beautiful kids, great dad, wonderful son and a very responsible, caring husband. Good looking, pleasant to speak to, with such acumen, gentle understanding heart, such mannerism and yet such a simpleton…something about him can’t quite put my finger at it, is so touching. From the very start it felt as though I smelt a heartbreak. Slowly as we get talking I realise the ‘why.’ So we get talking, trying to desperately understand his story. As I hold a conversation with him my heart breaks coz it seems he did and is still doing everything in his capacity to avoid conflicts, minimise hurts.I feel his deep voice fill me up I suddenly forget all about my pain and can only feel his pain alone. All I hear is his deep golden voice and bunch of random words falling into my ears, can’t make much of what he is saying but I sense his deep sadness, emptiness and helplessness slowly seep into me. I hear him say -I am very happy with the way things are now. I think to myself – I know how that feels. I wish I could change things for him somehow-anyhow. Sad truth is one has to live through their respective share of pains, I can’t do anything for him. How I wish I could. With every word he utters his pain gets more and more pronounced…I am thinking- how can life(marriage) be so cruel to anyone? He doesn’t seem the one who could hurt anyone, leave alone the person who he has taken vows to spend his whole entire life with. He is a man and a hubby, seems to be going through similar(or even worse) pain pricks of life.
Life has not been fair to him at all, sounds like he is being punished for something that is SO NOT his fault..facing the most ugly side of life with such strength.I noticed he could have opted the easier way out- Separation!
But what did he do? He chose to carry on…carry on giving his love,support and care to the person he once promised to be his wife. NO! things are not rosey, but this is a baby step taken towards ‘disaster management,’ salvage the situation if you please.
That is definitely not easy, its a constant reminder of the agony you feel, you still consciously decide to be gracious..to continue giving…why? Coz marriage is not a child’s play..it requires great deal of understanding, strong heart to continue the love when marriage threatens to continue to be loveless..
Such an inspiration for me and others out there who feel forlorn in their marriage feeling beaten and ready to call it quits. Am I wrong to believe that marriage is destined to be a troubled institution? Man or a woman? Challenge for both alike…Surely not realising I may have been wrong for sure too and equally responsible for the mess I made. Didn’t mean to but did I hurt too? Did I make someone feel unwanted-uncared for? In my knowledge, not…
What should you do, make a decision to save, no it won’t be easy but would be worth it!
If you are here reading this perhaps you feel similar. Some news mate…you are surely not the only one..
Marriage is a roller coaster ride with highs and lows. At times more lows than highs. We constantly experience, learn and grow as we go along..still learning…
Have you too got some unfinished business like mine?
Don’t know doodah of marriage, do we?