As I lay here next to my 3 years old trying so hard to get some sleep. He looks like he is dowsing cosey and how it fills my heart with tender love just looking at him. Trying to concentrate on his angelic little face, bless him, trying to see if that brings any luck to my sleep. All in vain my thoughts just won’t cease. No matter how hard I try, ticking of the clock makes me ever more aware of how vulnerable and helpless I feel almost as if it’s threatening, tick tock tick tock ganging up on me- You know how you feel! Who are you trying to fool? Where are you trying to escape?
I carry this heavy suitcase of memories both happy and sad on my chest making it so difficult for me to breathe. I feel such guilt pangs it’s impossible to explain. Surely NOT liking the feel of it. I would rather just run away somewhere anywhere. I have cried, tried did all in my sincere capacity to see if there was anything I could do to fix things with us. But nah!
It’s a pure miracle how life’s both bitter-sweet ways metamorphosize you! Your experiences make you grow, you experience-learn-grow and how your perspective changes things all big and small. When I say this what I mean is, it pretty much encompasses everything, your likings, preferences, tastes everything just total change! You emerge as someone you yourself never knew. Kind of takes you by a surprise. Why? Coz you find you are no more a person you once used to be.
Something you thought was an impossibility like breaking the fetters of the norms of the social construct and getting around to doing something that is damned as Shameful! No wayyyyy! How unscrupulous! You are married, right? (ah never mind how namesake it is) How dare you like someone else? What? They are married too? You think you could be falling for them?
Goodness, its worse than blasphemy! How COULD you? More how dare you? Oh did you say you had serious problems with marriage…oh well! Whatever, marriage is marriage, spouse owns a license to treat you as he/she fancies, they will treat you right when they fancy and drop you like once much worn, now discarded favourite dress!
How dare that you decide to find a confidante in someone who just happens to love you and you love them back. Chance! You click also coz you sailing in the same boat and understand the agony it is.
Why is that so? Well! The spectrum of things. Biggest of which is your circumstances, that is the biggest teacher ever. For instance: someone who has never known hurts will be less cautious about being hurt or things in general and be more carefree. Right? While someone who has been hurt innumerable times is obviously once bitten twice shy! They will think umteenth time too before they actually share their heart with someone coz they want to protect themselves.
Our marriage has been dead long ago, we still dragged to the best of our capacities. Then there came a point I was beginning to feel that maybe actually there is a possibility of marriages failing. Is our’s failing? I have been so in a denial, never wanted to believe that it actually is. Did I see this coming? Hell no! I WAS so in love with him, yes we had our rows, disagreed with things but we were happy.
Even recently when things hit the skids and went downward spiral I hadn’t left hope. Was happy to talk things out with him and reach a solution in some way or the other. I was happy to do anything. Anything to see us happy as a married couple. I tried so hard. Over and over again and then I just stopped it all together and I decided enough was enough. He is determined not to come back. Doesn’t want me back. PERIOD.
What am I to do? Keep grieving? Keep waiting forever knowing he is not coming back. He doesn’t love me anymore. Then idling. I try and put pieces together and I get to see many things I couldn’t when I was with him, there were very many problems.
I do have a choice, to call it quits or just go back and pretend all is okay! I am not ready for either. Honestly, I don’t even know what is right at this time. One thing is for sure this marriage isn’t working. Has failed over and over again. I really don’t know what am I waiting for. Very scared and unsure. I am lost in the wilderness. In the middle of nowhere. Unwanted. Cold. Disowned.
Part of me says I can’t be asked to carry on surely CAN’T without a shadow of doubt but then a part of me says – you are not like him. Hell no! Never was and now though I am saying this I am falling out of love with him. Yes! I couldn’t be more resolute. Just wanna move on. Can’t be living with evergreen smarts. I need time to heal.
Thinking of healing emerges the thought of this someone who is such a wellspring of glee thoughts, joy, radiance making me smile to myself. Somehow the murky thoughts just hold on to me tight not letting go of me. I am dragged back to you against my wishes. Last thing on my mind thinking of you. What I have been dreading most feel so heavy at heart wondering whatever did I do wrong to deserve being disowned like this thrown out of your life like I was a piece of furniture making me feel so miserable and crestfallen. I feel like a heap of shattered me turned to debris.
Completely loveless empty inside out giving 20 years of your life to a man who you promised to love with all you had. I did at least I think. That’s a big chunk of life to prove I really loved my husband? Never laid an eye on another man ever. I knew and respected my boundaries.
Why and how come did I deserve this?
Anyway, I realise this sudden mushrooming of severe conscience pangs. I am beginning to like this someone who is beginning to mean more than I bargained for. He fills my days and me like the merriest little things. Such pure joy he is. Texts or calls few times just to check if I am okay and if I had a good night’s sleep. He writes most amazing little compositions expressing such honest care and affection he carries in his beautiful heart. Not long ago did he send me this enormous amount of love, fondness, and care in a little pack he sent which apparently happened to be a beautiful dress in my favorite colour. I feel so touched, its like you are deprived of something and you don’t know what it feels like and most unexpectedly there you are! Gushing at you at such pace and such amounts it’s just overwhelming. Spellbound, flabbergasted, speechless, moved, all emotional- that’s me now! I am so smitten by this little love bug! And let’s abstain from how gorgeous he is, leave alone his beautiful heart. How he has me in the palm of his hands already!
Bundle of guilt-excitement and nerves I am! All I feel myself drawn to him more and more each day at the same time thinking it is getting much more difficult than I would have thought. Hang on a minute! I DIDNT think no one can it’s just the way we function don’ we all.
It’s the most fundamental need and backbone to any relationship- the need to be loved, looked after, sought for, given attention to, taken care of, respected. Yes another shade this need might take is – Touch! You NEED the touch quite literally -comforting touch- held-embraced and of course the emotional touch. We all seek connection.
I realise it is coz of the absence of this connect that things disrupt!
So what are you trying to say? Are you having an extramarital affair with this someone?
Well, that is immaterial!
Extramarital affair? No wayyyyy! Are you serious? Has your partner done anything to make you go that lane? Oh, but why don’t you try and settle things between the two of you? Why can you not though? Oh, honey I am so sorry things are like this but talk to your other half solve things out. If you have an issue have a nice hearty chat with him or her.
10 years in the grind of trying-still trying-okay here I go again- I am trying- THIS is my life!
Did, it didn’t work.
Again, not working.
And again, still the same.
Okay! Coming back to the same every day. I have tried and tired both!
That’s it! No more! I have given up, hands up, I accept defeat. I will throttle myself and strangulate but won’t walk away from marriage. Why? Well, coz this is the done thing! Right!
Well if you are sitting there reading this and feel a chord struck. Don’t feel bad mate. We all do this. Not any different from each other. Are we?
The very sad and unfortunate truth is, in reality, it is NOT always the easiest thing to walk away from marriage. There are just so many things involved, so many things at stake you rather just decide to make this little sacrifice and carry on. Come to think of it walking away might perhaps be needed very much coz the marriage that has been attempted upon to be fulfilling and happy despite and in spite of persistent occurrence of failures and is STILL not working. Something surely isn’t right. Just not possible though. I have said this before. I have been living in denial I think I still am. It has taken a great courage for me to get to this stage and for it to sink into me that marriage can fail.
Ever thought what this uncanny endurance could do to you? You feel like you are slowly disintegrating but the weight of your responsibilities and commitment is so great you keep carrying on.
Though you don’t need any carrying on. You deserve to be happy by all means but hey life isn’t a bed of roses. Never was.
Well, there have been very many opinions, discussions, debates around this tabooed topic. I am nobody to judge what is moral, immoral, ethical or otherwise.
Have been thinking for quite some time on what people often describe, rather damn and dismiss very ruthlessly as immoral, illicit, unethical, shameless, unscrupulous behaviour. Is actually just a response, a very natural response.
It is just something that I have strongly felt quite recently when someone very close to me who has rather difficult marriage somehow drew my attention to an aspect of the human side which is but so natural. That’s the first time I ever felt my heart shattered into million pieces.
Just simply feel at this juncture in my life, at the crossroads that I am. I think I am able to have a better perspective on things and clearly able to see why things like ‘Extra Marital affairs’ crop up.
In my complete unbiasedness, I truly feel, it is a reactive response to the dead-lifeless-loveless marriage.
It is the heart that yearns love-support-care-tenderness-affection-respect and very spontaneously without giving it a thought IT becomes your response- You reach out. Love it back with same fervor or more coz you now understand what it is to be kept off. You give it ever more deeply-intensely.
Things as sad though fulfilling for two hearts that cement together after a heartbreak ‘An Extra Marital Affair’ occurs. It is a happening. You don’t think it, plan it, it’s the way you respond. Your heart responds to another heart’s call which is probably treading the same path as you or has trodden the same path.
Let me tell you this, shall I! It takes a hell lot more than you think it takes dizzying conscience pangs, mammoth angst, lots and lots of courage and innumerable sleepless-restless nights of trying to decide on whether it is fair for them to have life shine on them a few smiles too!
With great difficulty when they do decide to dive in, the intensity is multifold and very deep coz of such heartfelt emotions they carry for each other and such commitment that speaks louder than words. More so, when both are married. Have you ever thought that the ‘Illicit lover’ mostly always is a true partner in sharing all the pains, sorrows, problems, challenges more than the happier, merrier things coz in all honesty they tend to become their true lover (ok! Hands up! paramour!) and want to ensure that they are not harmed, hurt in anyway coz it’s their happiness that is of paramount importance to and nothing else matters, and those emotions are so deep that can only be felt not told about. Really feel things such as these merits some amount of open-minded discussion.
A bond so strong and deep that breaks the norms of the society and announces their love and commitment in screeching silence.
A bond made so strong
Hope together they always belong
Each touch of theirs
Made each other so aware
Of the one thing that made them alive
To make their love last they would thrive
Heal each other’s pain
To give each other their all no selfish gain
A part of themselves to the other give each
True love in each other they beseech
Suddenly words echo loud in my head – Why judge? Let them be!