You feel like you have lost something and THAT something needed to fall apart, fall away. Fall away NOT to make you suffer and continuously be tortured by negative feelings of confusion, anger and pain BUT to be replaced with something better.
Okay let us face it. Everytime there is a bitter conversation that may have occurred between the two of you, you may well have miscommunicated, poured shades of poison in words most hated, distasteful, you sure didn’t enjoy hearing.
How did that affect you?
Needless to say that left you feeling frustrated, misunderstood, hurt, distant, fallen-apart, cold, all out of faith, ashamed?
You possibly thinking wrenching twist of things?
The unfortunate atmosphere consumes you reminding you of the bitter exchange of words or hideous remarks spat on in the most disrespectful manner.
Dont forget misunderstandings are worsened by assumptions.
As it is, the chaotic mayhem was enough to make your situation worse. It is assumptions, what gets left unspoken- unsaid, is what adds to the stresses. It messes up with your heart, your pride & you perhaps, most ill at ease keep guessing, weaving nets of most negative things and worsen things than how they might really be. Mostly fueled by how you FEEL, how you may have been conditioned. Your past paints your reaction that may happen even now. You are insecure, hurt, angry & frustrated coz you fear something that may have happened in the past may be repeating
Left bereft, thinking how to handle the most out of control situation
Incase you are thinking how should you handle? What should you do
Reconnect with each other. Communication must NOT stop at any cost
Figure a way to hit the normalcy. No dont expect miracles. There is no way one would immediately start behaving as if nothing happened.
Things are still sore from the arguments. For all you know there still is a rift prevailing. Figure a way to understand each other, find a way to understand other’s point of view.
Avoid disconnections that strain your relationship & reconnect quicker than you can
You wanna ask yourself these questions
- Your response to how react when angered/triggered by them?
- Do you play it guarded and keep hurts in your heart & never voice them?
- Do you play defensive, explain or get critical of them?
- Do you just tend to get cold, distant, silent & withdraw?(DON’T mistake talking for NOT withdrawing. You may well be talking even when withdrawn as a matter of fact.)
- Getting to the root cause is the solution and NOT disaster management( You may be keeping the communication on in attempt to hit normalcy. But you know this is NOT normalcy. This is just minimising damage NOT really fixing the real problem at play)
- Do you tend to get very aggressive, sarcastic & pass judgments?
We all tend to come from different background, culture, conditions and have our own unique inbuilt spontaneous responses which automatically act when we get started, triggered.
Never fading cold, furious, constant, harsh criticism
In any healthy relationship however long or short, sums up in ‘a relationship’ partners tend to want to spill out their grievances, complaints but what should flag is when the complaints become constant ATTACKS.
Its the disdain, scornful remarks, criticism soaked in contempt -what causes destruction
The challenge is we should be able to mount & conquer in such a situation is to somehow get yourself to understand, be aware of the responses. Trick is always to pick the least hurtful one, the milder one that promises to be more towards the healthier side. Such that is assertive and very clear.
For instance- I do NOT appreciate the way you acted, you could have dealt with the situation in a better way. I expect a better response than this.
Get out of your usual response, try and help both to new positive possibilities. There are no hard and fast rules the idea really is to get out of the same old way of conducting yourself. You have to experiment and see as to what works for you best- something that lets you vent out your strain, frustration about the relationship at the same time ensuring NOT to make situation worse.
Mind you NOT saying anything is in the least healthiest thing to do. For what it means and conveys is a very worrisome symptom of negative change. That is you are resigned in the relationship. You are tired, shattered, fed up, given up and THAT is why you just choose to let things be and take to a mute mode.
- You MUST be in tune with your feelings. Get in touch with the way you are feeling, what you feel. Be vocal about it. Your partner must know how you feel, what upsets you.You must attune to your most heartfelt feelings the moment you feel it tingle, twinge in your nerves, your heart bleeds tightening your chest. You MUST NOT avoid this.
- Pick & choose words that make your partner respond and enable making a connection back with them you could try something on the lines of I want us to speak about what happened. I really NEED you to understand how it made me feel. Infact I would like you to tell me what you felt coz we must understand each other better.
- You must have the heart to own up to any mistakes that you may have made & take responsibility of how you may have contributed to things getting out of control. You must understand the other and ensure that you are understood. Be transparent in your expectations. Try to carry that to even when the misunderstandings reoccur. You are bound to see a difference from the next time on.
- Try to get out of your usual natural spontaneous responses that may be inbuilt in you. You must do this in order to get what you want. Trust me this can be the easiest one if you really want to make a difference and change the things between you and your partner. Some conscious efforts & some good, honest intent.
- Tell yourself time to time to reconnect with them on deeper levels. Commitment alone is NOT enough, your honest bond is. Faithfulness is. You may be with them but if there is no love your staying true to the commitment of being with them is not really justified is it?
- Biggest thing is to face things when you least want them, what you should do is- to squarely admit something not right has occurred. Air needs to be cleared. Most important commitment to each other more potent than sheer commitment of physically staying together is to NOT shy away from each other & be open to work through the sharpest, nastiest challenges that may mushroom.
- Again, Its NORMAL to NOT communicate. More, not wanting to communicate. Even if it seems impossible to make things work, be determined to & MEAN it. Make every effort count. Try to connect.
Hope that each of you couples out there find your happy horizons where you achieve a great understanding & figure great ways of communicating, reconnecting with each other through the darkest dark & toughest tough.
Misunderstandings- Shoo away..
We are here to say
We wont let the contempt play
Keep the dirty games at bay
We have learnt to handle things our way
To get back together there will be no delay
Each time you occur, love come back strong we pray!