3) An inter-caste marriage with no support before and after marriage
Scenario: Mr. M belongs to caste A and his love, Ms. W belongs to caste B. They have been dating each other secretly for the last three years and keeping their affair a secret from their parents. It is obvious that the caste difference is the major obstacle to their marriage and so is the dowry and other rituals, not to forget the serious advice about family honor which is given by relatives and neighbors for free all year round! So, even if their parents are modern in their thinking, such caring relatives are bound to pull them down and reignite the thoughts of honor first, love last in them!
So, how should the two approach their parents and convince them to agree to their relationship and get them married with their much-needed blessings? The couple is not ready to break their parents ‘ heart by marrying in secret or trying to run away, but if they get caught one day(with such prying eyes of their neighbors), they may have to consider such options for not being accepted.
If they get married somehow by running away, they may have to risk their lives as honor killing is much heard of in the localities where caste endogamy prevails…
Point of View:
Parents(of Mr. M and Ms. W)
” We do not want to be termed dogmatic, but we need to choose the right partner for our child considering caste, sect, and religion.
” If our grown-up son or daughter choose a partner of a different caste then it will become very difficult for us to say yes to them since our family has a history of pure same caste marriage.
” If we say No and they decide to get married in secret, it will bring shame and honor upon our family.
” They may even decide to shift far away and sever ties with us for not supporting them, and the thought of losing our child forever scares us too.
” If we say Yes, wholeheartedly to make our child happy, we may face criticism from our community for spoiling the clan…
” If we say Yes, half-heartedly and still are not comfortable with their partner after their marriage, even when our child may feel unhappy blaming us for hypocrisy.
Inter-Caste Couple(Mr. M and Ms. W)
” Falling in love was not in our control. What is our mistake if we love each other so much, but the caste factor comes in the middle out of nowhere?
” Breaking the news to our parents will be the most difficult part and their reaction is what scares us the most.
” Will they be able to accept our love and support us with their consent to the marriage?
” We also fear getting caught by someone. What will happen if some relative spots us and breaks the news to our parents?
” Should we forget each other and move on? Will it be really possible to change the mindset of the society, even if we are successful in convincing our parents?
” What if our parents’ reaction is negative and they prevent us from meeting us in future, advise us to break up?
” Should we contemplate running away or getting married in court in secret?
Then they will have to accept us, right?(the extreme thoughts)
” Should we try some emotional blackmail and begging, pleading to melt their heart for our love?
Tips:
” Choose the right time, moment and occasion to break the news to your parents, especially when they are in a very good mood.
” Try to plan beforehand with your partner about how you are going to tell them, how will you calmly counter their arguments with real examples of known relationships and the doubts regarding the difference which matter to them.
” Difference in customs, diet, change in lifestyle, financial status of family and earnings, which you both plan to imbibe for each other and how you will adapt for each other to gain their blessings should be openly discussed.
” Never get angry and enter an emotional debate since you need to keep yourself in their shoes to understand that this is the traditional way of thinking since generations, and they are not to blame totally for carrying it on.
” Try to give examples of successful inter-caste marriages in your community and how blessed their marriage is going on still.
” If they still refuse to budge, then calmly pronounce your decision that you only want to get married to the love of your life, and wait for them to adjust and give some time for their consideration.
” If you get married without consent, you may face opposition and renouncement during the first few years till everyone around adjusts to finally accept the marriage.
” If you face any threat which manifests itself in the form of physical violence, assault or death threats then it is better to move away to a safe place to dilute the situation and give the last chance for their acceptance.
” If the situation has become so dangerous that even if you return back, you will be threatened then it is better to seek legal help for a court marriage under the Special Marriage Act,1954.
Confronting the break in tradition -Part 3