When love erodes. Easy to fall in love, easier yet to fall out of love!

Love or arranged alike… Aspect that binds the marriage has been a major subject of discourse which has its echoes reverberating…Such strong debates and opinions. Yet despite and inspite of the statements made, they both fail even succeed!

One better than the other? One more successful than the other? Love marriages failing more than the arranged? Fewer expectations attached within an arranged marriage and thus an element of more likelihood for it to succeed? Whereas shooting expectations within a love arrangement of marriage…oh well is meant to go haywire?

Really? NO! To me, it’s really just the very basis of marriage on its own that seems to be troubled…slowly losing its luster (fake luster?) such dramatised mania attached to it…

LOVE…it is…

They say they are in love…

Something that should have been more natural well doesn’t mean minus celebration but a structure of love that is meant to provide a cocoon of comfort, affection, and security to the couple. What I am trying to say is there is such great emphasis laid on such stupidly irrelevant things…all the magnificence…such impetus on ‘wedding dress’ OMG! It’s unreal. Where everything is bound to be simply great. Beautiful happy life with fun laughter love, goodness and all that jazz!

My goodness isn’t it plain crazy how people can spin up conversations that can easily get you so edgy…they can just talk anything for a good chatter….dear me..it turns me deaf…

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………all that it takes some understanding…adjustment etc… Arranged marriages are more successful than the love marriages…love marriages are when couple outdo their parents wish and decide to spend life together coz they are in love..determiner of their alliance is ‘love’…arranged marriages are better coz then there are fewer chances of failure…no expectations involved….love marriages, on the other hand, have expectations soaring high…

OMG! Like seriously…..I can’t but roll my eyes in disbelief….wondering I would rather turn blind than reading all of that and turn deaf than hear such garbage…..can’t be happening….

All of that…excuse me my language…its all bunch of unadulterated pure garbage…. utter bullshit…. doesnt mean a thing!

To me…There is no difference whatsoever everything boils down to love….an alliance that nurtures and thrives on love…well, of course, you might choose to disagree, totally fine by me but that’s just my 20 cents on the subject.

As much as it is true it’s sad to say that as much as falling in love is easy….falling out..easier…

I have in my whatever little experience..seen them both kinds of marriages succeed and fail….it’s not really the tussle of love and arranged is it? that survives choppy waters…its what binds the couple together… the gift of ‘love.’

And oh…as if that idle chatter wasn’t enough to keep the amusement on…here we have some great words of magic…from the Holy book of ‘Successful marriage it is’

The sheer thought of ‘Accept each other…give space…privacy…understanding…great communication’ makes me so sapped of every ounce of energy. Quite literally makes me wanna collapse on the bed with my face buried in the pillow reminding me of how badly-sadly they fail….life can’t be all bunch of rules, can it? Heart must feel….these words sound so uselessly technical and robotic… ‘This is right! Do this..do that…put this up..put that down…job done!’.and I feel like shouting….

STOP! Just STOP! I don’t care how great it might sound and how done a thing that might be…doesn’t mean anything. Hollow bunch of crappy pep talk…works for you brilliant my love! Its failed…not once not twice…perpetually and has only come to mean – a gory sad utterly hopelessly failed shade of ‘ I fail..I succumb…I submit…cant do a thing to fix things…it’s just not working…tried all..done all in my capacity..I don’t need, no carrying on..

….So…I will just play

All is gay

Life is much easier that way

And still, live in a denial…things will get better one day

Push the warning signs of ‘they are not’ at bay

No crying-no trying-no fighting-no say
Keep mum and carry on don’t say nay…

Halfassed as it is…am thinking maybe I will get lucky and things might click..

So what do I do-

Pretend..faking a smile…working my best as Mrs. know it all…I plain submit..with luck and the magic rules of – acceptance…space…understanding..communications things will settle…(ok…well maybe with some more luck…at times it takes time..doesn’t it…ahh well might take eternity….but they say it DOES work…belief is enough to keep yourself trying…right!)

What do I do? Simple! I accept..Are you kidding me…that’s easy peasy! Of course, I accepted you that is why we married, didn’t we? What does that mean though? Well….such is life…….I give space-let him do what he likes. I understand-I am done…couldn’t care more..whatever you like love..its ok! I get it…go on…it will be your way… I give privacy-Just let him get on with whatever makes him happy..just too exhausted to explain why I won’t enjoy it..so just get on with it…at least someone deserves to be happy….you be happy love!

I have learned to live like THIS…and oh! We ace the communication bit…jubilations!Really?is that what you would like? Ok! Go on let’s do it I am excited…am I excited…?

Ain’t it a feigned relationship? Nah!

So you see how brilliantly those awesome jargons work? Whoaaaaa Genesis to successful marriage-

Just so great at pretensions.

What puzzles you most is you just aren’t aware where and why such sense of futility and uselessness of things emerge? If THOSE are magic words and actually play key to improving your relationship then why and how isn’t yours improving? Something is seriously wrong either with you or the relationship on its own…

So…while all slumped with such hopelessness, extreme feeling of pointlessness and such emptiness ….I am thinking – Why me? Did I go wrong somewhere? Wasn’t I good enough to please him in the ways I was so expected to….

With sunken heart I decide and announce- I haven’t…I didn’t

Tried to introspect and get to the grassroot level of the problem…talked to friends…closest close to me and to my great surprise I wasn’t 100% Vamp! He was at fault too…At least so…that’s a relief..

What has changed? He never seems to have time for me…we hardly talk…

Communication between us jumped off the cliff ages back and dying a slow painful death…

We tried and tried and tried…best we could manage …we need to get groceries…ahh I fancy a cup of tea…..well…wasn’t that some sort of progress….Communication…it is!

From playing rabbits to suddenly he is on about…being tired…busy…

SUCH a relief at first coz I realised I had been constantly tired and my legs felt funny and had developed a restless leg syndrome since I had my lil gorgeous man arrive….felt like I could just sleep all day long…not wanting food..shower..nothing just sweet sleep…

But when this sudden disinterest took sorry shades of strange awkward comments…

Not attractive enough to impress him…..Good Lord! Could I turn into Julia Roberts somehow…anyhow..I would think…so he could find me attractive….ages ago how come I was the sexiest woman under the sun? Suddenly so unattractive? Oh well..I am not much of a girlie girl..don’t get facials etc done…perhaps I’ve turned into an ugly duckling…when we were still in our courtship days he just couldn’t stop going on about how he loved my chiselled lips….my nose…my eyes were like buttons…how he loved my hair…how beautifully his arm snaked-snuggled lovingly around my waist….as if gathering something so precious…

I remember exciting him alright…he couldn’t have enough of me…and NOW?

Did I hear him say something along the lines of I don’t excite him anymore…

Good Gracious me! Now that’s difficult…how do I excite him?

I just know how to love…with all my heart and I just let the physical being play along….Its like worship for me…love….make him happy in every way I possibly can…. I want to understand why does making out have to involve all sorts of antics? And if so…surely I am to be blamed…I screwed it all….so NOT me…I am a pure bore…of course he didn’t want me….except for those few days that he was on fire and I was the only available means to sort him out…

So I further grope…I was his world…his priority…everything else came next…but now…forget being first or last….I am just am not there simple. He would leave important meetings…his family to be with me….now I am nonexistent…

Why do I always feel such disdain in him towards me…I used to cry my heart out but now its all numbed out…I don’t anymore..he just simply doesn’t like anything about me…

I try so hard to have some valuable ‘us’ time to forget it’s not us anymore…it’s just me…he is always up with his vanishing act…oh but he is so busy!

He has to go for a jog! Then he has to see his sister…check his trading numbers….

Not fair for me to expect him to make some us time…

Oh and did I make a mention that I feel such consuming sense of being trapped-jailed-bonded-hung in limbo look on his face when with me…It confuses me..totally bewilders me…I am perplexed to the chore..

Why does he seem to be perpetually(Ok! 70% of the times…too high a rate?) grumpy…looks frustrated…unhappy around me? Mostly in a mood…What have I done? What did I do?

And the whole persona changes…such negativity…hostility…aversion in behaviour…

The body language…

Belittling comments…

That look in the eye…

Such skepticism-distrust-dislike..

Overtly critical of any mistakes…mostly blown out of proportion

Spoken or unspoken…loud or silent…such disdain oh God it’s unbelievable..

Postulations start…spiraling down….everything that you think is always accompanied with sadness and doubts…if you did the right thing…

Now serious doubts begin to mushroom in your head and heart. Stirring up most unhealthy thoughts only butchering further of whatever is left of your marriage. You feel such absorbing-consuming…disconnect-discord…distances only stretching every while making you sure more and more of how unloved- unwanted-unappreciated you feel…so left out you are in this relationship. You feel scattered, totally fallen apart…so fragmented…

I would so like to know where did I go wrong…what did I do to contribute to this chaos…

Nothing that I am aware of unless he tells me….I am left intrigued…sad….hurt…numbed to the pit…thinking…pondering….

The harder I try the worse it gets….kind of backfires…why does it feel like I am the one hurling him away….turning me into a complete cry baby…whinging…whining…

Isn’t he supposed to be in love with me?

Is he not in love with me anymore?

Is he simply bored of me? Taking me for a ride?

He couldn’t be falling out of love with me..could he? I surely have read and heard about it…but am I seeing it too? I don’t really know….dreading that I may be….

But wait…they say this is what happens in every marriage at some point…perhaps just the same…I console myself….

Tell you what though…I don’t feel the love coming from him anymore…it looks more – I need to get her this…and don’t I feel grateful my husband looks after me…well but he is doing it all..coz that’s a done thing….he needs to…he should…it’s his duty…his responsibility…

It all seems too heavy to bear more than anything else…it’s the commitment bit that demands to nurture…looking after…

Little unsure of what love really is…

 

Journey from pure limerence-addiction-obsession-great urge to make someone feel loved-doing anything and everything in one’s capacity to ensure they are happy and never hurt. Ensuring they have everything that means to them…looking after them…giving them all the affection in both big and small ways and wishing the same in return? Loving them when they are at their lowest as much as through the sunny days..?

Isn’t that love? Ok! Supposed to be in love? No?

Lot of tongues wagging – Things change drastically post marriage!

Hmmmm ok…lets see…shall we!

A desire(you wished, longed to be together)- Love marriage turning into arranged…transition is swift…even other way round…arranged turning into desire-love(post marriage you long each other)….it’s still the love you are dealing with right? where is the difference? What is the difference? Unless you never really liked that person at all

Is loving someone not a commitment? I would want to understand myself. I would have thought so…

Don’t we all grow…create love…feelings of love in one another? Loving…caring…giving..taking..with the subtle shades of physical bit playing it’s own part..embracing…kissing…wanting each other..loving each other…

Go an extra mile to keep each other happy…

Love or arranged…that is…likewise….

Sadly…dead can’t die further…can it? In absence of love..You just can’t force love out of someone who doesn’t feel it for you…they either do or they don’t..

That’s the sorriest thing ever…

Hollow words or a rulebook can’t and never can fix a broken wounded confused heart/hearts…they may be lost in the wilds…

There are no rules to feelings…emotions and the way they work their magic…

At times a single glance could be the best romance…

Sheer words might touch you more than physical touch and might turn your world topsy-turvy.

Honest heart’s calling work wonders in most miraculous ways…what you really wish and desire translates into words and deeds don’t have to be so systematic and organised with words…they just figure a way to touch IF they mean to…and works its wonders…healing…loving…ease…relieve the tension and loosen up the stress…relax the situation into more cordial livable-lovable ways…that somehow find a way to get to your heart….

But before the jargons are robotically used- I understand..I accept..believe in communication….

You wanna do some self introspection…where is the intent? Rather what is the intent? Do you still love the person you once did…or have you slowly discovered it was everything but love…an ambush…you thought and believed was love….that’s why it’s gone…gone with the wind…flown away….

After all love conquers all! Well! So they say…

You must work out your own little ways and means…see what works for you to fix things (IF at all they are fixable that is)

What needs fixing is…let not somehow..anyhow that magic of love dwindle…

And if that means – accept, understand, communicate(Blimey!…..I didn’t just say all that…did I?)

And if its gone…no point hankering after it…Life is too precious to sit and cry over spilt milk..move on love! Love has many ways to reach you…reach out and grab it…

At least you gave in your best…went in it wholeheartedly..did your best..gave your best….your marriage has been enriching experience in someway or the other…you have grown no one can take that away from you..you did your bit…sincerely loved…

It is just so difficult to decide whether or not to leave the relationship and part ways…or even understand whether it is your marriage that is just having a rather too  bumpy a ride or actually the rift is getting too big to ignore(Total disconnect-can’t get back together emotionally?)and that you are drifting way far apart…could that be falling out of love…?

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Tanvi Kumar

About the Author

Tanvi Kumar

Hi My name is Tanvi, I am a freelance journalist and a writer. Love to express and connect to people. My writings are essentially a part of me. Mainly done writing, involving different styles, from educational to spirituality and travel to various facets of lifestyle.Always been inclined to art. Explored and experimented with all sorts of art. Be it painting on a canvas, creating a wonderland with edibles that tickles your palate, chiseling an attractive world of ideas that can be conceptualized into something working or simply sculpting a world with words with a tang of personal touch. Coming to think of it, anything starting right from crafting, cooking, ideating. Love them all.Besides that, I have a great interest in tarot and spirituality and I feel both of them go hand in hand. Iam an impulsive Tarot Reader, Rider Waite and plain playing cards being among my favourites. Like to think it’s a Devine tool guidance. Omnipotent has means and ways to reach us and is above everything and everyone. Right from the beginning I always found myself penning down my most heartfelt experiences which would always lend such great sense of fulfillment, almost cathartic! Before I realized it grew as a passion and all my strongly felt emotions, experiences, spun into poems, prose and articles. Never hesitated to pen down any promptings that I felt coming from within.This is who I am, this is what I do, I write. Just a few words about who Iam. Iam a mum of a two year old. And oh! No it’s not easy being a mum! Is it? But it’s surely worth all the hard work. And that’s how my freelance career kicked off. Ever since I had my little man, I found it rather tough to juggle between work and looking after the non-stop demands of a little wailing baby. I had turned almost a zombie when I reluctantly decided to freelance. Coz I loved my job at Morrisons. my career didn’t quite start as a writer, though always writing, never disconnecting from the writer inside me, I continued looming up a world of words that found its expression in varied forms. Like any other 20 year old I was enamored by the thought of being independent and the quickest way to do it was a BPO! Well who doesn’t like making money? To be fair, it wasn’t all that bad actually. I realized I loved to connect to people, loved to have a nice laugh with them, strike a rapport, try to help them with all my capacity. Soon, I had a calling from within surely that’s not what I wanted to do, I wanted to write, to express, to reach to people. Which is when Times Group happened; I was a part of online division. Always having a bent towards doing something creative. Times threw me an opportunity to do just that. The job required to me ideate, conceptualize, write for different events. What I enjoyed most was the radio bit, I have sung jingles, broadcasted the forecast subjects Tarot and Astrology. It was all so creative and fun at the same time. Getting married, straight after which I had to leave the job as we moved to the UK, where I started working as a freelance journalist, writer, content developer, alongside working at Morrisons at customer service. Been a part of Aceville Publications, Edge Allen, Morrisons in house magazine. All of us have dreams and aspirations in life. And so do I To be successful, to make a difference. That’s what I would like to do, that’s what I aspire to be.

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