Have you read about the Achilles heel and read it definition online anytime?
“An Achilles’ heel is a weakness in spite of overall strength, which can lead to downfall. “
So, what is the Achilles heel of any relationship or a marriage? —It is a Reoccuring Relationship Conflict.
Every couple is madly in love with each other in the start but why do problems start creeping in which become big cracks when unresolved smartly, with each other’s help.
It may be surprising to know the reason behind this very common problem faced by couples after marriage—almost 70% of their conflicts are never resolved by them!
Yes, once you marry your chosen life-partner, you have to accept the fact that you are marrying them along with their unique set of relationship traits, personality facts and shortcomings.
You may often find yourself at loggerheads with each other during issues regarding finances, time , daily schedules, time for each other and intimacy.
So, instead of ignoring and pushing the issues beneath the rug, is it not better to solve them once and for all ?
Let us try to understand the scenario with a married couple, John and Jenny who had a love marriage and have been together for ten years.
Their first year was filled with romance , fun and adventure as they used to love going on road trips and enjoy each other’s company.
Now, Jenny wanted to start a family after two years of their marriage and she shared her thoughts with John.
His reaction was quite unexpected and hurt her very much.
He did not want to start a family so early , but wanted to give each other more time by continuing their adventurous life with no fear and responsibility.
IT definitely hit Jenny hard since she had been thinking that John loved kids and wanted to extend their family once they got married.
She started ignoring him whenever he would talk about going on another road trip and he would do the same to her whenever she would raise the topic of making babies.
It was a gridlock situation which was creating a huge conflict between them slowly.
When they were not talking about these topics , they were quite normal with each other but once they hit those roadblocks, their vehicle would stop in the middle.
It was like they were getting down and sitting on opposite sides of the road , feeling hurt, inadequate and resentful for not being able to understand each other.
Some tell-tale signs to tell if you are heading for trouble ahead with those reoccurring conflicts are:
• You both seem to avoid talking on that topic again
• You feel angry and resentful that your partner is unable to understand your point of view and you see no positive signs of communication.
• Compromise is the last thing on your mind when you both reach that deadlock—it is like a clash of egos and defeat is imminent if you bend to their wishes.
• You don’t seem to able to avoid that problem from re occurring again.
• You have a different hidden idea or want to share your dream regarding the problem and you are unable to open up.
• You feel let down by your partner’s indifference and oblivious nature to your side of the story.
So, the main problem with couples when this occurs is not actually about the problems which are troubling them but about the fact that they are not on talking terms when it comes to opening up about them.
How does a couple need to go about it and make sure that the re occurring conflicts fail to even occur again?
• The main strategy is to help each other become multi-players in this conflict game and shoot down those dangers when they seem to be looming around the corner!
Yes, that is the real strategy .
What your partner needs is your emotional connect and reassured sense of self-worth and your trust that you as a team can do it together. Problems will look automatically small once you have a receptive and supportive partner at hand, right?
• To understand each other’s point of view, you need to LISTEN! An oft ignored aspect which results in both partners talking to each other without achieving any progress or conflict resolution in the end. Once you open your ears , your heart will also open up and melt away that crazy divide.
• Try to resolve some issues, if not at all at once. Thinking out a strategy which works for both, like going out for a walk or while gardening can help give you points of communicatin in a relaxed environment.
• Once you understand your partner’s reason for anger or resentment behind a matter , it will melt your heart and bring you more close.
Jenny was unable to understand why John was not ready for starting a family so soon. When she was able to talk and listen to him, she felt quite emotional and totally understood that they needed to give more time to each other. John had confessed about being forced to babysit his siblings who were newborns when he was all of ten years of age. His parents had an abusive relationship and had filed for a divorce with his siblings being divided between his parents. He did not grow up seeing his family together and the burden of having to babysit all alone had made him fearful of responsibility and made him crave more than ever for freedom of doing what he had wanted to do all his life, travel around the world…
Once Jenny understood the reason and emotional baggage behind this behaviour and discomfort, she felt sorry for him that he had gone through all this suffering in the past.No wonder, he needed more love and less responsibility from her side at this point of their marriage.
• Treat the problem as the flu and try to recognise the symptoms with the right medicine in hand to put it to rest together! Yes, treat your reoccurring conflict like that non-permissible intruder which spoils the health of your relationship and share a good laugh about it after it goes away successfully.
So, why are conflicts good for your marriage—especially the ones which re occur?
They are bound to make you face each other , open up about your past experiences, make you more aware of your partner’s emotional spectrum and in the end make you a more stronger couple.