…When you reach the part
Where the heartaches come
The hero would be you
Heroes often fail…
Ring a bell? Well this has always been among my hot favourite evergreen numbers ‘If you Could Read my mind’
I have somehow always believed in miracles, fairy tales, in my heart I like to think they happen. I have felt so at least on many occasions. Smallest wishes coming true when you least expect them that give you the joy that perhaps can’t be expressed in words and also a sense of gratefulness fills you up. At the same a time a nagging sense of – Why so short lived? Why does this have to be this way? You get the taste of things but that’s it, you can’t have it all. Just a teaser. Just to keep you longing craving wanting more and in hearts of hearts, you are dreading the thought of your expectations soaring high.
Oh well and of course – when the heartaches come. The hero would be you. Heroes often fail? Why? Why do they fail? Don’t want to be a hero in the least fail but WOWZA that’s the part of the game.
Okay, let’s not get into puzzles. Recently I have had life very mercilessly throw at me things that have completely blown me thrown me off balance in more than many ways and I am not quite sure what to expect. I am so clear yet confused, drained but exhilarated, tranced mostly but so aware of myself, sadness that always surrounds me yet I am so happy. Things so incomplete yet such overwhelming sense of completeness fills me. Haven’t felt this in ages.
I feel so complete in this incompleteness.
You know that funny feeling when we are starved of something completely and suddenly that something comes rushing to you in amounts you can’t handle and you don’t know how to take it, be happy, excited or just sad because you have almost forgotten what this is and somewhere deep down you are on a total guard not to start loving again, expecting to have it all because who knows you might lose it all again.
Your married life has gone on the blink and you are trying hard enough to meet the challenges of your breaking relationship because honestly, you are not even aware what is coming next. You have them or they are gone for good. They don’t look like they give two hoots to your existence anyway so you just man up, hoping for the best and prepared for the worst. No expectations, no hurts, get busy, dunk yourself in all sorts of things. You just think – what the heck let’s just get on with it.
Life goes on. You must move on. The show must go on.
After having series of heartbreaks you like to put your feet gingerly on the ground, watching every step you take, every move you make. You are so agile because you want to protect yourself. It takes a lot to gather courage or to pull yourself together to be able to trust someone again. Its funny because with the failure-heartaches of your first relationship has such a dramatic romanticised tragic element attached. Makes me laugh now as I BET each one of us has trodden this path and still go ‘My first..ever..’ Lol! First could be an accident, well let’s say so, so was the second you muster up strength again and go it will be fine. I can trust again and by the third-fourth, you just flip going na na and that’s it! You get your guards up. Why? Well because the first few times something in your heart kind of had a dent, such heartfelt deep hurts and sadness becomes a part of you till that one last blow. In my case perhaps, marriage, being married for 10 long years, at this age no more room to trust again or for the heart to get a dent AGAIN. At this stage, it just splits into two neatly parts, funny as I type this I can hear see the peanut brittle snap in two but that’s it. That’s how it happens. Your heart very cleanly neatly snaps in two, threatening not be the whole again.
Beauty is this gets you into a self-protective mode. You have your defenses, guards up. As soon as you feel someone is beginning to mean to you more than you can perhaps handle, expectations just drop, wants to shed off too. You don’t reciprocate at times not because you do not return the feelings its because you find it unnecessary and you get to the stage of – What’s the point of it all? When it all has to end one day? What is great is even at the beginning you already see the end? Even as someone all warmth and care is around at first it makes you squirm uneasily and then suddenly you go- that’s IT! Can’t, no more, why? Because you don’t want to be hurt again. Behind, underneath the defenses is a cringe teary-eyed child who is ever sad with- I know I can’t have it. I want it. I need it.
I feel there is such a poetic grandiose attached to the whole lofty-unnecessarily celebrated ‘Love’ ‘marriage’ ‘relationships’ No? I think we forget to be real. We never really keep it real, do we? We forget that nothing is perfect. All of these come with a baggage. Baggage of expectations, demands, hopes, jealousies. Therefore such shocking failures. One blow. All gone!
I wish things could be kept more realistic. If right expectations are set in every relationship. Life would be so much easier.
After you have forgotten how it feels to be loved, to be cared for, to be showered with nonstop affection in lovely little ways. You worry because you have been there, done that and know this feeling. What’s most worrying is that you realise this feeling return.
You want to so much but from them
You cannot run
Find yourself laughing more
You know what this feeling is for sure
You find yourself humming your favourite song
You feel like this is where you belong
Adorned with smiles
Morning through night, all whiles
Your eyes sparkle with that special someone’s mention making you grin
And you wonder if this could be a sin
You think if this is the beginning of a series of endless pain
So scared to feel all this again
Then you realise it’s all too precious to lose
There never really was a choice for you to choose
He is such sweetness such pure love and care that’s Sam
I know, I trust him with everything he can’t be a sham
My heart goes pit-pat to think what if he too goes
YET again I cannot take those blows
Must confess he is so precious and beginning to mean to me
Without him. NOW life just can’t be
Won’t think much of what life brings
Let’s see how long the happy song life sings
Suddenly I feel my incompleteness magnify
With such incompleteness filling me I feel so complete I dunno why!
So you see it’s really not little merry me. Sam has been such a sweetheart to me. It just overwhelms me. I feel so grateful for his existence and I have to say how these things can make such a difference to your life. Do you know this urgent feeling of just wanting to be with that someone who has the capacity to instantly lift your spirits when things hit low? So much so you can’t picture yourself without them. Weird sense of peace and security surrounds you and you wish to bask in their innocent nonstop chatter that might mean nothing but mean so much at the same time, talks as silly as – what did you have for dinner? How was your day? Etc etc talks so lame make such meaning to you. Lucky me have someone so sweet around.
Now, I realise hating myself for wishing wanting more and that cannot be as much as I like to believe in fairy tales. They just cannot be. Just so happy and touched that he has made me meet me. All on its bloom with no attached strings.
Think it’s best to not complicate things and keep them simple-just celebrate life. Any relation and make the most of it in its imperfect-incomplete glory! Like Sam to me 🙂