Dreams are all but dreams? They better be true two hearts brew!

never let me go

Do you believe in signs, inklings, some sort of messages reaching through to you in some way or the other? Oh! I heavily do. They are scattered all around us. It’s  all just a matter of spotting them, that’s right! It could be a friend saying something to you,it could well be something someone says while a conversation happens or simply something that you hear while watching tele.

No? Well you wanna pay heed going forward notice, watch, hear, pay attention to details, it’s like at times you can sniff the storm, the good omens whaft around and about too.

Why am I saying all this? Coz just the other day having a conversation with a close someone which sooner than soon took a shape of a really intense talk, that wasn’t very welcomed of course.

Suddenly realization dawned upon me

I was running, running away surely NOT escaping just delaying I suppose, what I most fear. Though I am sure I can’t do this no more, as much as I am sure I wanna move on I feel, sense the clouds of uncertainty surround. What is even worse is when people just sit there judging you. Worst is how they cut a sorry figure of you. Sympathy is the last thing that is needed when you need to move on in life. A confidante, a friend that you can rely on, is all you need. What do you get instead?

Well I hope she finds someone she can settle with

Poor thing! Bless! How sad is that

What? Married for these many years and parting ways?

‘Gossip’ is all you become! Not very nice, is it? Makes you wanna jump off the cliff or just drown yourself in the ample plush pillow going- NOT AGAIN!

Anyways so this friend of mine Sam and me are talking about Shelly a common friend who is going through a divorce after long years of a very emotionally traumatic marriage. What complicates things is the kids. Gems they are, such little wonders both of them 7 and 3 bless’em.  Life has surely not been much fun for her lately. Needless to say the big alterations, this big change brought in the life are more than a challenge on its own. She is doing good for herself, keeps busy loves her job and by Divine grace looking after her kids well. What hurts is at times life has its mysterious ways unfold in such a way that keep you wondering- Now what?

Seen her live through hell. In-the-face betrayal-obstinacy of spouse in a marriage that was as long as 9 years has caused her so much pain it is unexplainable. She is still sore from all that has gone on in these long years. Moments and days when the memories haunt her she goes crashing-convulsing into endless tear soaked nights and leaves her totally inconsolably sad. Thank heavens most of the bad days are over it is really just final goodbye to the ‘unhealing smarts forever’ and hopefully life should smile back at her. She has managed to survive all sorts of unnecessary excitement life brought with it, never winced for once just patiently awaited for God’s right time for better things to occur.

She is strong, practical, super logical yet very emotional rather RAW. Life, truth, realities, screeching needs, hard work, determination are a few words that would describe Shelly.

Been noticing for a while now, unlike previously when she would outright jump at the very mention of a man and the possibility of a relationship, she would quite visibly get violent. No more though! Makes me wonder of what could be brewing.

But the one thing I am 200% sure of is she woudn’t-couldn’t commit any more.  May be emotionally but we are definitely NOT talking about marriage good Lord no way!  If she did I would be surprised. Though I must agree she is a strange league. So capable of sudden surprises.

How do I know? Well she is a good friend and the fact that we are somewhat facing the same situation help us understand each other better. Just to give you a better idea of what she is like she has often been called a bipolar lol! She pendulums between being nice to you and being raunchy cheap lol Alleged for not expressing respect where needed, super rash. Truth is though she is straight and that ‘respect bit’ that’s the way she is, it’s her built, the way she talks, doesn’t ever mean disrespect.

So while all the talk was going on about how to salvage the marriage. There she goes, suddenly stands up with her hands up in the air as if to announce something very important.

The words still hard to sink in-

I am out of this trauma for good. Not fighting, not trying anymore I am DONE!

I am the only one who understands what she means, rest look really hurt and disappointed at this decision of her’s. If you thought this was all, surprise! She goes on to say

She cannot do this no more coz there is someone and it’s more ‘him’ why she can’t do this any longer apart from the fact that he doesn’t give two hoots about her existence or her kids.

NOW! That was something! A dare and that is exactly what we have been discussing about. I respect her decision.See where she is coming from. Quite honestly both scared and excited for her at the all possibilities that might unfold. You just don’t know God’s ways, do you?

Discussion that took place.

It was 12 am and I was standing there in the balcony arguing my breath out with this man who is more than just a friend and family. He is super gorgeous and he is so stubborn it’s unbelievable. No matter what you do he has just decided in his beautiful head somethings are right so they’ve got to be right and some things are damned wrong so they ARE wrong!

Whole of the time as I was standing there trying to explain things. I realised it was going nowhere and he won’t listen.  With every point I was making, I was  getting louder and louder just to put my point across. Did that mean though it was getting across? A big fat NO!

Staring helplessly into the immense dark skies I realized just how oblivious this darling of a fool is to the fact that he is so extraordinarily attractive, while his deep-throaty voice continued the venomous attack of cold words. All I saw was his dusky skin, how his strong features, curves of the face, fringes of his dark eyelashes were making me hyperventilate dramatically as I heard his words suddenly so dark-bitter mingle with the darkness that was slowly penetrating into me making me feel completely hopeless, so heavy at heart, disoriented and filling me up with stabbing jolt of helplessness, vulnerability and sadness that lasted till suddenly I felt the warm caress of his honest concern.

Felt his words tear me apart- The kids deserve being with their dad. Something they must not miss out any cost.

Suddenly I realise how badly I feel drawn to this angel. If it weren’t for him I would never be out of the darkest nights that I had been facing till he mushroomed. He is such sweetness incarnate, surely an amazing person to count on. He has become my lifeline. I trust him, revere him. He is always right(well! mostly!)

He was right, he is right BUT I argued feeling rather unconvincing coz I was debating in my head and heart if I was right at all.

So I tried making my point which is- Shelly leaving all her inhibitions behind, burying all her ‘what if’s’ she dared to express how that someone being there means so much to her. Surely it is deep, surely what she feels for him is beyond her capacity to express in words else she wouldn’t take such a big step. She is gotto be serious about this man. I KNOW for sure she loves this guy, she has deep admiration and respect for him for having held her hand through the darkest-most conflicted times. Infact I can see-feel all her justified reasons. He has been there for her. Coz she is so close to me, I realise what she feels for him is complicated mix of –admiration-respect-gratefulness-intense belongingness-more than sheer love. He means all smiles and a lot more totally can’t be put in words, all I can say it is deep, it is intense and definitely here to stay.

I went on to say-

I have heard them talk. This guy is brilliant and I mean it. Apart from his ‘to die for’ looks, face, a perfect combination of planes and attractively full cheeks slanting down to  goatie adorning his chin, the masterful nose aquiline, forehead broad and intelligent, dark black hair. His eyes pronouncing purest pure innocence and honesty.  Slight scar running across the left heavy dark eyebrow, precisely a centimeter from where starts, only adds to the fascination of his beyond mere symmetrical male beauty and handsomeness. Anyone could get an emotional and physical tug. So honest, so straight forward, so direct, so emotional and yet such a simple person. If things are to work he will say, if they cant he will say. He is a great guy. If things work for Shelly, why not! By all means Iam by her side. Couldn’t be happier for her.

However the one massive difficulty is this guy is married although it is troubled but still does mean he is married with a baby 3 year old and a year old. This is what really makes things really difficult. You don’t in anyway wanna hurt the little angels. Not fair! Is it?

Just to let out a secret. Within a dissatisfied-unhappy marriages these things are bound to occur. Not professing that these things are ‘done’ but only saying they are only normal. He does care for Shelly, such tenderness-care-affection that he showers it is like a fairytale. It is his dizzying reciprocation at times that makes me feel me so high- so giddy-so nervous excited and so uneasy for Shelly though I tell you, this babe, she is all into him big time. She loves every bit of him, everything about him. All at the same time, it’s all so overwhelming.

I do try to speak to Shelly making her realise how difficult the road ahead could get and make her see that it cannot be easy and straightforward as it is now. With things intensifying there will be more that she would want and so would he.What about then?  Iam so happy and so scared for her I could do anything for them to make things work. Only if I knew the how.

So I go while speaking to Shelly in a very matter of fact manner-

What do you expect from this relationship?

What do you expect from him?

How do you hope to cope and handle things in the future?

So emotional that she is, looking absolutely starry eyed as if she has living dreams, expectations and how she longs they fulfilled. I can almost see her heart in her eyes and the fact that how much she loves this guy and wants him to be her’s alone. Marry him, make babies with him but she never says a word. I know it all coz often she has said- I want his babies. They will have to make way soon. Having said all that she does realise the bitter-harsh realities of life. She just seems to stare into nothingness going-

What do I expect of us? The word ‘expectations’ committed a royal suicide from the dictionary of my life, if anything I am blank. All I realize is  he is a gift too precious to lose.

What do I expect of him? He is a gift, a gift is given out of sweet will. It is not expected is it? So again. This is gonna be an easy one. Expect? This word was raped-slaughtered gorily and chucked away, it is lost into nothingness.

What do I hope comes our way? Now! This is a tough one, scared is all I feel. It is hard to lose something that means so much to you. Tell you a secret though when the biggest losses occur, with them come enormous amount of strength, hate saying this coz I feel I more than just adore this gorgeousness, something inside of me gives a lurch, makes me wince at the thought, all I can manage is trying to stay positive-realistic-grounded and the ‘hopes’ are meant for the dreamy-inexperienced-privileged ones. I am surely NOT the one. Hopes are not for me, dreams are not for me, expectations nah! Do I know them lovely?

She bravely jokes while I see her fears of impending doom swimming in her eyes.

Further trying with a stern smile this time around

I am more game for realistic antics of life! Let’s see what happens.

Me! Darn, I am scared, shattered for Shelly. I wish things go well for them. I know the road they are headed on is not an easy one. Everyone deserves to be happy though. Aren’t they? Why not them?

Anyway so taking a great pride that I would be with her somehow makes me feel stronger myself. I can so relate to her.

While Shelly is a strong-bold one she laid her heart bare in front of this someone who means so much to her. She also did stupidly blurt out that she wanted to be with him for the rest of her life and that is where her heart lies. She was kind of content somehow in a funny way satisfied and calm coz in heart of hearts the shade of commitment she felt for him had been developing for him over these months. She had been grappling to somehow figure a way to survive the twisted evil conspicuous fate. She couldn’t keep it bottled for too long,  just had to let him know that he meant the world to her and that was partly why she would cut her ties with anything to do with the past.

There is no way I can even get around to express my excitement coz only recently I got told that her ‘one’ has said some most amazing emotional honest things to her that imply and mean SO much and I bet ‘a lot’ to Shelly coz what he has said mean something very big-vital.

Where did she gather all that courage from, I keep thinking. I bet she must be so apprehensive of being judged. She didn’t care though, did she?

FAINT HOPE, I see glimmer in Shelly’s eyes. Whether this has sealed the deal Iam not really sure of that. All I can say her ‘one’ is an awesome guy and I truly respect him from the bottom of my heart for having courage and heart to say something as big as that.

What did he say though? Well he has a silly little cousin who is a nutcase and is blossoming into a very beautiful young woman. She is a close friend of mine. She is crazy, she is mad and she is ruthlessly straight, no nonsense person. So curt, so candid. At times she says things which are not needed to be said just need to be understood sheerly coz of the sensitivity of the situation. Coz he means so much to her she just had to pour her so NOT welcomed doses of wisdom.

She is in the know of things and she actually dared him to either – ‘be IN it’ or ‘just be out of it’ there is no midway. You marry her or just stop messing. Not worth wasting time.

Swear it can’t be easy, these decisions but he did and what makes it more than special is that he voiced it all to Shelly.  But to even consider such a thing is so moving, so very moving. Which shouts his honest feelings for Shelly. What the future brings even seems irrelevant at this point. His sentiments, his care is so clear, out in the open.  True love fights all odds and survives the choppy waters of the life.

It is so unreal how someone who you may have known only a few months can come to mean so much to you. Who did all that you might expect coming from family all done conditionlessly, ensuring you are looked after in all the big and little ways, smothered with things that are your passion showering you with affection in every possible way, buying you your favourite dress, cracking jokes that not only tickle your funny bone but tickle your heart back alive, showing care-concern and going an extra mile to see that you are happy and safe.

As opposed to someone who knew you for years and years, threw you callously like the  garbage from the day before without even bothering to explain why, never initiating to mend things, yes you did spend a whole big chunk of life with them, you made babies. How does the current behavior justify in any way? How is she expected to behave? What is she expected to do? After she did all she did that was in her probable capacity? Only to hear things that made her heart bleed endlessly.

I feel for her heartedly coz I am sailing the same boat and life hasn’t been easy on me specially when you hear the most hurtful things when you did all that was expected of you to protect your marriage.

What really makes my heart melt is, this guy Shelly is with at the minute, there is something so touchingly honest about him. He is something special I always tell her only see her blush that wrenches my heart and fills it with tenderness for her.

Sweetest,is the fact how he calls Shelly a “Gone Case!” 🙂 ! In a tone that pronounces his honest care-love and warmth he bears in his chest for her.

What I was most eager to know was his reaction to how serious is he about things? Difficult but is he prepared and does he have a convincing answer for his cousin.

Being common friend has its own merits so I decided I would have a word with Shelly’s ‘one,’ offered going together but somehow felt speaking as a neutral someone would best put things in line of comprehension.

‘Unadulterated mess’ things are, as they stand, both coming out of very difficult times emotionally, still raw, still recuperating and still getting to grips with hardships,uncertainties and spectrum of all sorts of adversities surrounding them. Nothing looks clear just as yet, too premature to even let the ‘happening’(Shelly n him) sink in, still heart feels the ‘slim-distant dream sprout.’ Although the current status would still be ‘a wishful thinking.’

Thorough gentleman that he is, wanted to be sure all goes okay and that nothing is left unattended to. Too many things involved, much at stake, none of which can be ignored,  at the same time he  realised what he has at hand is too precious but so unsure how to work things out in the best favour of everyone involved. His heart feels torn, he feels scattered, he is everywhere and nowhere. Shelly,  who may have run into him as a complete stranger is someone who manages somehow to lend him peace, serenity, ‘a home away from home’ feel, secure. Makes him feel like himself, ‘a breadth of fresh air’ she is for him. Numbed with her tenderness, affection he is all the more in dilemma. He doesn’t wanna let this go. Not now, not simply, never! How, he thinks. He is sure of one thing though he is very clear about his feelings for her, may be the path is unknown yet. What makes it ever more difficult is the fact that Shelly’s close friends and family not only share their(Shelly and him)excitement of discovering their new found happiness, they love him in a very fond way which is what puts him more under the scanner. A lot of expectations and too much pressure to cope with. They like him as family and without a shadow of doubt don’t wanna lose him for Shelly’s sake but they all realise the uncertainties involved.  He will do justice. Just not the sort who would not. Pretty resolute he looks.

As for Shelly, she is a whizz at keeping her true emotions masked, ‘hurts’ in particular coz she sees no point in putting them out in the open, as simple as that. You will always find her laugh it all off, glossed under “Who cares!” the truth is though underneath lies a rustic vulnerability,she does care, she is scared, she does get hurt still, doesn’t want her expectations build up too much lest she should be hurting. Did try to pre-warn her about things and unpredictable scary journey this could well be with her handsome but she seems pretty sure. I can say for a fact that she realises what all this might translate into. For all she knows it might just be a mirage, yet another beautiful dream awaiting a heartless shattering. She surprises me really coz she seems so determined to head this way with this guy. Yes she is sensible, grounded and realistic. It is not like her to be dreamy. Specially with all the responsibilities and commitments hovering on her head that need attending to. She knows, she knows it all. She categorically mentioned me in a voice completely devoid of emotions-

I realise what this might mean. In hearts of hearts I know there are bleak chances, in fact bleak is an overstatement. ‘This’ is impossible, you are right it IS a mirage!

Then being ‘her,’ laughs it away with – but says who you can’t dream?

Iam well within my rights to dream, aren’t I? And as for rest I can’t be asked to rationalise, too much work.

Well! Do you see? She clearly dodged it all off very cleverly. She is just too much in love. Too much in love with this guy to push aside the pain pricks of reality, she refuses to see.

When shelly did express her heartfelt emotions for him and shared her decision.

He was little shaky something wasn’t right she could tell by the desperation in his words he wasn’t ready to take the truth, truth that stared right in his face. It would be completely wrong to say that she had decided not to hanker after getting what had chosen to go away from her. She wanted to stop the chase completely coz her spirits were tired and her kids deserve someone to look upto and not be aware of their daddy who played a complete baddie and never even ever found the need to drop by and see them.

The fact that she had tried innumerable times and  failed. This time around tables had turned she didn’t want him anymore coz she chose to say no to any further hurts, had enough for one lifetime, she wanted some peace. She wanted to understand why was it so wrong for her to think of herself? And think and decide to just be with someone who stuck by her through thick and thin. Yes he(Shelly’s ‘one’) was partially the reason she wasn’t prepared to continue the unnecessary painful endurance. Why not, no one had ever done as much as he did in no time for her.

With great difficulty had she snapped out of her unnecessarily adventurous phase and she wanted life to slow down a bit and not continue throwing excitement one after the other.

He for some reason completely unknown to her,  was very uneasy about her saying he was a reason for her to choose things like this.

Him being him, retorted rather alleged her to be ignoring the “real thing”

Makes me laugh really! Real thing? Yeah? You really call that a real thing? How ironical is that. Yes it was supposed to have been a real thing. Enough life spent together, large chunk of her life was wasted with the person who is meant to be Shellys hubby. It’s a joke really! Was Shelly not supposed to have known him? Surely I  felt like she did, she would but honestly it turns out she knew nothing about him, like actually NOTHING! Ahh talk about the “real thing?”

Whereas him,he managed to give her the love, care and affection in sheer months that she never felt before.

Only if she could help the situation, she did try her heart and soul to mend things did all she possibly could, firstly to salvage ‘them’ and then to salvage ‘father-kids’ bond. Although everything has been practically dead between them she never meant to deprive him of his  kids or kids of his father, just so not fair. Irrespective of what had unfortunately happened. He expressed no interest whatsoever, showed no concern for either of them, failed to deliver either. She tried nonetheless coz it was only worth. Very many long years of togetherness is not a joke, is it? Elephant of time spent together, all the memories. No, it wouldn’t move him, nothing moved him, nothing at all.  She tried and tried and tried and tried only to fall flat each time hurt-ever more hurt each time coz he seemed so sure of not wanting her back.

While all the intense clouds hover over her and Mr. handsome of her’s, been long time grieving, crying, moaning and then she decided that was it! Life must not go on this way

The worst bit, for once in these long years she dared-chose to think she wasn’t going to stay unhappy like a little howling, whimpering child who was so heartbroken with the situation that all he does is cry,weep uncontrollably.

Shelly never in her wildest of dreams expected her Mr. Gorgeous would even say things he did to her in the first place. All those words that melted her heart. The fervent reciprocation of her feelings, a potent hinted assurance to be there for her? Did she hear him mention tying a knot? Nah! Surely she got it all wrong she thought! Was she dreaming with her eyes open. He couldn’t have said that, she was certain she got it all wrong until he repeated in a voice that was molten feverish love-care-trust-reassurance. She was all tranced and all dumbstruck. No it couldn’t be happening, she was imagining things. Was it some kind of a joke, she thought. It was all too much for her to bear. She never knew he would, he could seriously think about her in the long term. She was so overwhelmed that THIS, him saying all this on it’s own alone,  was a very BIG deal for her. So much so it touched her so much and moved her imaginably. She definitely wasn’t expecting this to come from him, she never thought he could even think of her like this. His mere mentioning these things to her was a reason enough for her to liven up, to celebrate.

What the future has/had in store wasn’t even on her mind. Truth is she has been hurt enough, trust crushed enough, emotionally exhausted enough to even have the capacity to worry about anything beyond. She will take things step by step she decided bravely. She was dazed, dreamy,expectant,scared, nervous, guilty, excited and much more! Those words of his, blanked her out in fact shocked her. She just couldn’t believe her ears. No! He couldn’t be meaning it all, she thought.

She wants to believe it all so much, she SO longs for this stunning dark haired man to be her’s alone. She can’t dare to but how she wants to scream how possessive she feels about him, how she wants to wake up to those beautiful deep innocent eyes.

Then boom! Reality strikes, it just doesn’t seem remotely happening. What also breaks her heart is the fact that she cant ever hurt him, harm him in anyway. She loves him far too much she can’t be that shallow! Fact that she loves his kids like her own is what tears her apart. She wants this man, needs this man, she is all his alone but she CAN’T have him, she realises while her guts churn with indescribable anxiety.

It’s NOT like her to dream. Dreams are dreams she announces! She knows it wont work. But she loves him dearly and loves his enticing enchanting voice promising her things that only belong to a ‘wonderland’ of idyllic world of all crazy possibilities.  She smiles bravely , accepts things as they are and longingly treasures savours his words. ‘Words,’ words are all she has. She is gonna treasure them in her heart for good. They mean so much to her. Only if she could have him, she thinks!

Only the Gods up there know what the future holds for Shelly and her Mr. Gorgeous.

Pray and wish destiny treat them well. Truly hope for once dreams weren’t sheer dreams for their sake.

…Their eyes are tell tale of how much they love each other each day

And that their bond will stand the test of time and is here to stay

Through thunder, through storms, they are to be together come what may

God…please let their dream come true…heartedly wish and pray…!

2 thoughts on “Dreams are all but dreams? They better be true two hearts brew!”

  1. I totally get what you write. Your way of writing makes me think that you dont leave any stone unturned. Only if I could express so well!!

  2. Adeeba Riaz

    Another excellent narration.I like the depth of thought and the thread work of emotions involved.

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