Lost and found

Will you marry me?” Asked Gaurav, a colleague of mine. We had been working in the same organisation but in different verticals and seen each other for a while now but not really talked a lot.

I was astonished at it. He didn’t even ask me if I liked him or there was a certain inclination or a love or something. We didn’t even have a more than friends relationship and to top it all he bumps up with this majorly aggravated situation of asking me for marriage. My curious stimuli reached up to him to ask him what is he up to? Is he serious on what he just asked and if he is; on what grounds for we hardly knew each other.

“But why do you want to marry me? We hardly know each other. We’ve barely talked. What makes you reach this conclusion ?” I asked him.

“You are the girl I want to take up to my mom. You are somebody who resembles her persona and I want to simply marry you for the amazing contagious vibe you bring around. Please! ” Was his reply.

I couldn’t really understand what to reply at this. Deep inside I was happy to know that somebody craves for me like this but did I really know him much. And love was obviously not my cup of tea, I had been staying away from it for years. I never met anyone who has a quiet corner in my heart. I never found somebody who clicked. That night I couldn’t sleep for he just kept entering my thoughts and didn’t attempt to vanish at all.

Under the dark cover of the starry night, while I kept laying down waiting for sleep to bless me enough of itself, my phone beeped a notification which read ” Gaurav sent you a friend request” on Facebook. My heart somewhere skipped a beat and went gaga over this breaking news. Did I start loving him? Why am I happy at this abrupt gesture?

In the gateway of my heart, I wrote no thoroughfare, but love came passing by and said:” I enter everywhere!”

Yes. I had fallen for his three magical words. I remembered now how often he’d come to see my cubicle and ask for tiny things like pen, WiFi and my completed files of those projects. I do remember him staring at me through distances and never saying anything. This silent love of his for me made a tiny room in my heart which even appreciated when he asked me to be his wife. This was such a straight proposal that was quite unusual from other commitment-phobic guys.

Rest apart, I added him as a friend and that night we kept talking until dawn arrived. We shared old pictures. He kept telling how much he likes me and kept asking if I like him too, to which I still kept silent. We talked about everything that night and that night changed days to come.

Next morning I got a pretty cute good morning text from him. And then he asked for my number which I readily gave. That day he called me so many times. He made me feel special in ways untold. I felt like a child inside by his utterly caring vibes for me. He seemed a very good person at heart and maybe loving him would be a good decision was what I felt. I saw him at the cafe downstairs and he kept seeing me as if he never had but you know out of those passed out days, there was something so beautiful about this day. He seemed new to me. Not mere a colleague but to be my love soon or rather the one I already started loving.

He came up to me and asked me for coffee. We went for coffee and then he started talking about how much he loves me and wants to marry me.

“I don’t want you as a lover. You are meant to be my wife”. He said.

I felt shy and I blushed at this. He knew my answer but still, he kept asking and I don’t know how I jumped up saying a ‘yes‘. I wanted to wait but my heart couldn’t wait for the genuinely of him. The love that ‘seemed‘ so true. And in no time we were a couple deeply in love. The ones who are meant to be married and live happily ever after, like the ones you see in the films and read in the novels. Kinda that!

Few days to this and we continue to be happy in love. Even the happiest days waiting to come soon we kept going with our love and professional commitments too. A few weeks later, he took me to a long drive. Long drives are beautiful I had always heard but never felt this. He made me feel how immensely beautiful these long drives are! Sitting next to the person you want to be next to for the rest of your life is so amazing. We kept hiding our blushy chaos and smiled when either of us noticed the other one hiding their glance. That was probably the best possible way to make me feel loved. And we did this so often.

Months passed on like this and like usually being busy, someday we’d talk and someday we won’t until the days he went on to being busiest of all other days. He wouldn’t call with that early frequency in a day like he used to but once or twice or within intervals of days. I understood he’s busy. Someday I’d call him up only to receive an answer of the number being busy, and it kept being busy the entire hour and I understood it was work that kept him engrossed all the time.

He loved me but the initial spark went missing. The way he loved me was not the way he used to. The way that I was being treated wasn’t that special like it used to be. And I again understood. Well, he made me understand that it’s work that’s keeping him busy and all he’s doing is for me and our future to which I hesitatingly smiled on the phone with a dilemma of something good yet something worse I could intrinsically feel.

I don’t know what’s worse. To know that you are loved or to know for how long the love would last. I felt the warmth of our love turning cold with the outside coldness. His hands didn’t hold me so often like before. Was it only the work that kept him busy or was it that he committed much more than he could’ve delivered and I kinda seemed sure on the latter.

Days on days and love was there but the love I had loved to love seemed to fade away. Honestly speaking, I tried to distance myself from him as I felt being unworthy. And I always believed that anything that diminishes my worth isn’t worthy enough of me.

Time again maybe he sensed that I was going far away from him and his old way of love to me faded away. He tried to come back into my life and told me that he wanted to marry me and had talked about everything to his mom. This kinda revived me but somewhere my chromosomes didn’t allow me to go into him heartily. But we resumed after this right from where I had left.

Next few days there was a weird haphazard happening in my home as dad got into few marriage proposals for me and the moment I was aware of this. I called him up and cried over the phone that how badly I wanted him and none other in my life standing next to me my entire life. He consoled me and said everything will be fine. But he didn’t confide me of marriage. That day following each day he’d remind me of his immense love towards me but each time I talked about marriage, he’d somehow procrastinate and tell me there’s enough time for that.

That day when I came home, my mom called me up and said there’s a serious decision I need to make on one of those proposals. I literally cried and shouted in anger and tried talking to him. As I called him and tried to explain my situation, he said that his dad was unwell and had been taken to the hospital. I cut the phone owing to my bad timing and left him at peace for a few days. A few days later he called up to tell me dad is extremely low and unwell and I kept pacifying his lowly tone and I felt bad for him. That day I saw Facebook flooded with pictures of his latest trip to Goa with his friends. He looked so happy. I couldn’t see a tinge of stress on his face owing to his dad’s poor health. A few many instances like this kept happening and I called off our relationship without even explaining things to him. I couldn’t feel myself with him anymore and I kept feeling betrayed deep inside.

I blocked him from every possible way. He kept trying to contact me sometimes out if texts and calls and I got a spam on his name each day. Sometimes I’d delete it without seeing and mostly I’d reply to him out of a hidden love I still had for him. He kept explaining how much he loved me and how circumstances weren’t in favour. Some nights I talk to him and the following mornings I felt I did a mistake and would pledge not to contact him ever. I regarded him as one of those lovers who say a lot and prove tiniest of it.

And I didn’t go back to him ever and never. That day onwards, I distanced myself out of his circumference and fell into my own embrace. I fell in love with myself a little more and he didn’t exist anymore. I kept thinking of him at times but I pretended not to and consequently, I got over him. I kept seeing his messages in my spam and a number of blocked calls but like I said he didn’t exist so he really didn’t and one fine day I didn’t really get affected by those spams anymore. And after months of being total strangers, I accidentally met him one day coming out of work and I was glad that my eyes saw him but my heart didn’t know him anymore and I moved ahead and trust me on this, I did move ahead.

That night I got a message from him saying he wants me, he never left me but I did. And I replied back to him ” You didn’t really leave me but you didn’t really hold me either.

And I am not meant to be for a man who’s confused on how to make me a part of his life.”

“But I love you and I just don’t find someone like you. Marry me please” he said.

I smiled at my phone because I knew he’d never find someone like me and he’d regret at it forever. Because when you want you just want it till you have and that’s enough to know. And I didn’t reply further all my life.

I’d say that I believe people are important simply because they are important and if they are important, it’s important to keep hold of their importance.

If a person cannot hold you when you are falling, trust me, he isn’t your person. And if they want you back later, respect yourself on that and never look back. This is what I did. No matter he loved me, but If his love couldn’t hold me, I couldn’t stay further.

So, listen to words but go for actions. People will say a lot of things. Don’t go for words, go for actions.

People talk a lot. But their vibes speak. Just listen to that.

Because the longest said Forevers end up the earliest, so love is what doesn’t stay forever but always. And that’ll still be enough.

PS: I am married to a man for a year and he never promised to love me forever but simply does each day and I guess each day will end up as a beautiful forever one day.

I started believing in the magic of arranged marriages like my mom kept saying and I can say it’s beautiful than the love I was promised long ago.

I lost myself in the early love commitment but found myself in this marriage back again.

Love and marriage isn’t about told and unkept promises but untold and kept ones.

And without promising to hold it forever,  he simply holds my hand and the warmth between our hands  tell me that he’ll stay! The way I keep talking of. Kinda that !

And as I finish writing this, he holds my hands and looks into my eyes. He doesn’t say ” I love you!”. But I know he simply does!

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Sonali Gupta

About the Author

Sonali Gupta

A Banker by profession, a Blogger and a content writer by passion, Sonali is a Gold medalist in Management as a post-graduate and an economics graduate. A painter and nature lover, she's passionate for art and photography. She finds peace and calmness in words inscribed on paper. She has written blogs, articles, newsletters, quotes, poetries ,stories, technical and financial content as a professional. Of all the things in the world, she likes to fall for a pen and paper each time because Writing is her favorite escape. She's a self motivated and a self driven person and loves to inspire and motivate people. She believes in 'doing what you love and loving what you do'.

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