Too late…I am afraid…can’t turn back time

There was something exceptionally special about that evening and ever so serene..that tranquility..the relaxed calmness of nature….and the endless blushed skies..it was breadth takingly beautiful…

Except for one thing…I felt so not in sync with the nature…I was everything but ‘peace’ and tranquility…..oh THAT was miles…miles away from me…such turmoil going inside of me..waves of doubts heaving heavily in my chest….

Should I?- Shouldn’t I?

I could be wrong!- May be not!

This is what I wanted right?- why does it not feel right?

Am I making a mistake?- I should be fine…I love him deeply

What if we just give it some time?- mmm why wait?

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Isn’t THIS what I always dreamed of- Doesn’t feel like it? Does it?

….not able to cope with it any longer..I just had to blurt it all out without giving two hoots about the repercussions…

Do we really have to do this? Can we wait? I am not too sure..does this have to be done?

And that look…shade of bizarre mix of abandonment-disappointment-disbelief-hurts- My husband(then boyfriend) stood there and his face was a picture..

Almost as if he was saying-How could you do this to me?

Oh that hurt in his eyes…I felt my heart bleed…

What have I done…I thought…have I lost my mind…

As soon as I said this I was a mess dunked in the pool of my own cried tears….swimming in salty ocean of remorse..unexplainable agony….and my tears just wont stop…so ashamed of myself….kept falling uncontrollably….embarrassed to death…why didn’t-couldn’t I just die before I hurt him like this…

Even before I could realise what I just did….the way I could have devastated his world…I was swung in his arms and my mind is all blank….all I know- something doesn’t feel right..I just can’t point my finger at it…

Mess of a state that I was in…kind of felt buzz around…lots of questions being thrown at me and I am staring at them unable to hear a thing..just looking at their strangely upset-angry expressions…and their robotic mouths forming words that I can’t seem to hear….Just somehow know what they could be possibly asking…

………What’s wrong? Are you alright?

Something bothering you?

Is it someone else?

Isn’t this you were waiting for all this while?

You KNOW how much he loves you!

You love him dearly..donnu?

What is the matter? Please speak up…….

While I am staring all numbed out…I hear him go- are you alright? Have I done anything to do this? Here I go again…convulsing into louder cry this time…and I am draped in his arms…I just decide I am being unreasonable…total immature…most of all so very selfish…how dare I?

I wouldn’t do a thing to hurt him…never…he and his happiness is above everything…

So I just settle down…still those doubts won’t cease…nagging me the whole time…

But atleast he is happy….happy and content like a baby…all bright and cheerful…can’t describe in words what his happy face does to me…such sense of fulfillment I attain…….all I care for is his happiness…he needs to be happy…Yes! That’s what matters….gives me a very big reason to smile…be happy again and forget the rest…

I realise in hearts of hearts I made a mistake…surely I love him more than my life but something strangely just doesn’t feel right. But even as I say this to myself I also feel how much this man means to me…How deeply I love him…anything for his happiness..and then I console myself…this is just silly me. Havent I felt myself in such monstrous doubts at least thousand and N of times earlier on too.

Somehow I was still being nagged by the same thoughts may be not as much this time around but always at the back of mind it kept doings to make me uneasy enough, wanting…provoking me to just take an opinion from someone who wouldn’t judge me. Thinking of which such tremendous amount of self disgust and shame takes over me…how will I ever be able to say how feel…most of all things it would tarnish-stigmatise our future..wont it?

I decided this will have to be a secret I was gonna bury right in the depths of my heart and no one gets to know but me. 200% I was abnormal to feel the way I did…I was often told by my friends I could go all bananas and suddenly wasn’t sure…I mean seriously? Freaking joking or what? ….it’s not a dress…not even the junk accessories I am so parsh on…it’s a matter of whole life time….and it is someone …the one? I dunno…but surely someone I could die for…if that means happiness to him…

You know they say the heart tells you when it is them….you know the right person…and all the whatever else-es do they blab…

Heart did it’s job right…can’t complain…he loved me immensely…did all in his capacity to love me, make me feel special….starting right from pampering me…to taking big and small responsibilities and doing things for my family…..he felt like a gem of a person….and he made me happy…I was happy around him…

But still something wasn’t quite right…never was sure what it was. I just decided I am ailing with this something I don’t even know…some strange ailment….so unknown to me….I will continue suffering..continue being daunted by the thoughts which were so unreasonable…I was worrying unreasonably coz everything was going just how I should have wanted…the way I expected things to progress…

Progress ….YES! That’s right…that’s how you progress….you love someone…want them to be with you forever in life….want to share your everything with them….happiness…sadness…worries…quite literally partners in crime of all sorts…and wasn’t it exactly that?- that I was doing too….next obvious step you take when you are in love….you want that special someone to become your other half…exactly? Right? What I was gonna too…

Why was there such hesitation….such ambivalence? Such worrying…disturbing doubts that just never let me be at peace…I was always bothered….so worried I could throw up….

Not sure if that was some kind of sign from the universe I refused to pick, ignored and walked right past it….I don’t know….but looking in retrospect I DO feel so…

So this one…someone more than just a friend…bit older to me…well aware of all that I was…as a person….and about me in general- What I am like as a person…what would my normal response be to things…and what was it that could trigger worries in me…what was likely to make me cry…hurt me unbearably…and he KNEW…knew it all…..and I would just keep running away from him….from the truth he was gonna smack on my face…oh yes! He more than just cares…he is all warmth incarnate…has a way to make me feel like a child in front of him and a complete idiot too…(don’t like this bit)…but he is a character…he can be so ruthlessly harsh….ridiculously insensitive…but all the same…he cares…still does….I DON’T appreciate the way he treats me at times coz he just plain alleges me..

You are a coward

You like sympathy

You just are so unreasonable

Get some sense into you…Grow up!

God you are impossible!

Warned you! My job done…

Iam not here to babysit you

Boss…your life….do what you like…

as it is too much was going in my head and heart…surely I could do without his doses of wisdom….Spare me honey! You do mean to me…but thankyou! Last thing I wanna do now..

Oh God but did I tell you…this one…he just somehow happens….get around to talk or  just mushroom from nowhere and just give me his piece of mind…- I don’t want it- I wanna shout…

But goodness his care is so genuine…though he is an ass(nah I don’t mean it- Meant he is cold) I tell you this….and an amazing cook too….and his wife is such darn lucky lady…

There he goes…so in the face…I can’t run away…Goodness someone save me…as much as I wanna understand what is my hesitation, worrying me to death about tying a knot…I so don’t wanna know THIS coming from him….he just seems to have key to my innermost thoughts and I HATE that…he knew this all the way…

So he goes all cold-clipped-curt—

You know…You don’t have to do this…save yourself this misery…Whatever has happened has happened…

Goshhhh…he said it….I hated the sound of it…why couldn’t I vanish into thin air? Why does he always have to be so right? All I know I wanted to kill myself that minute…Hate him with passion….how can he know me so well….

No truth is…I adore him…he is my friend…teacher…confidante…crush….family and more I can’t find right adjectives for….and last but not the least…my worst enemy—I will kill him someday! He can just bugger off….take his lovely doses of wisdom with him and save them for his infinite girlfriends….I am good thankyou! I can do without it….I just hate the way he can read me like a book….till date…just don’t like it….so could do away with it….

Good gracious only recently….as if things are very merry at the minute..blahh! and I am sitting at the verge of any sort of thing making way my kitty…can’t be asked….I am so done! And I have decided marriage is a mystery to me….I have never been able to unravel even after 10 years of it….

He goes announcing— Madly in love?

Who me? You are talking about me lovely?

I don’t know what you are saying…

Have you lost your mind….

Okay! Hear it…..NOT in mood to discuss any of this …not with your surely…

So  I just move on with a  bold – Whatever it is you mean…

There he goes again all in my face- Admit it!

This time around…I have nowhere to escape…..nervous laughter is the best I can manage…

Anyway so getting back to good old days when I was so doubtful about what I was doing- was gonna do….he caught me red handed….and I just wanted to run away…somewhere- anywhere…and I realised I was running away from my own self…

Whatever it was/it is…I thought…even to admit to such a thing was such a shame…leave alone others I couldn’t face myself…it was no jokes…wasn’t any fun n games going…I had gone way too far for me to go back….No! I wasn’t gonna do that…

I am thinking…. ‘The right person’ How could he not be him

Was he not the one or was it the time that was not ripe? I don’t really know..can’t say…they all seem to sound so romanticised…such craze- grandiose about it….The one…the right person…

Was I doing the right thing…headed to tie the knot soon…even with these tormenting-niggling thoughts that spoke of nothing but my strong second thoughts about the apprehensions, doubts I felt..doubts…uncertainties….I was in such a rare dilemma it was crazy…

Normally people love to marry their childhood sweethearts….don’t they?

Wasn’t this dilemma on its own not a reason enough for me to soon do something to change things..or atleast try and understand why it was so…

What was underneath those feelings I was feeling…such clear-loud-screaming doubts…

He was great…a lovely guy. So what was I worried abt? Could there be a remotely chance he is wasn’t the ‘one.’ God….I am Evil….how dare I think so…..

And him…no I don’t mean my husband(then boyfriend)..I meant this strange-adorable-funny useless-cold-insensitive bundle of strange care and warmth….yes him…Goshhhh I tellya he is a Devil’s advocate…..he just makes it all sound so easy….I wish I could do things as he would advise…….so like him to go – OK! So why are you stressed…don’t do that! Boss…walk off..

Then I thought am I just marrying coz I should…coz he is great and keeps me happy….could there be a possibility that I am actually NOT cheating me…I am more cheating on him by not telling him how I feel about things…don’t want him hurt surely…but thats it you see…i didnt say coz I didn’t wanna hurt him…

He is a lovely person…

What will his parents think of me…

We are deeply involved-inseperable…

Everyone marries when they are in love

Next logical step to falling in love- you marry…Iam doing the same

Too late….can’t do anything about it…not now

So I just went on…I was neck deep into things…I cared for him too him…loved him too much to hurt him….only to realise perhaps I took the worst decision of my life…I hurled us both into what has become endless struggle…to sort life out…

I wasn’t sure…I had serious doubts….I was constantly unsure….always uncertain when they were preparing to walk me  the aisle…I did…biggest mistake I ever made in my life…

But hey…we all do that…don’t we?

What is important is…we must learn from our mistakes….

So if you are sitting there reading this and feel something similar happening with you or happened with you in the past…I urge you….to act upon your instincts…….please don’t ignore the signs….whatever it be……I was foolish not to

Now it’s too late..I am afraid….can’t turn back time…

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Tanvi Kumar

About the Author

Tanvi Kumar

Hi My name is Tanvi, I am a freelance journalist and a writer. Love to express and connect to people. My writings are essentially a part of me. Mainly done writing, involving different styles, from educational to spirituality and travel to various facets of lifestyle.Always been inclined to art. Explored and experimented with all sorts of art. Be it painting on a canvas, creating a wonderland with edibles that tickles your palate, chiseling an attractive world of ideas that can be conceptualized into something working or simply sculpting a world with words with a tang of personal touch. Coming to think of it, anything starting right from crafting, cooking, ideating. Love them all.Besides that, I have a great interest in tarot and spirituality and I feel both of them go hand in hand. Iam an impulsive Tarot Reader, Rider Waite and plain playing cards being among my favourites. Like to think it’s a Devine tool guidance. Omnipotent has means and ways to reach us and is above everything and everyone. Right from the beginning I always found myself penning down my most heartfelt experiences which would always lend such great sense of fulfillment, almost cathartic! Before I realized it grew as a passion and all my strongly felt emotions, experiences, spun into poems, prose and articles. Never hesitated to pen down any promptings that I felt coming from within.This is who I am, this is what I do, I write. Just a few words about who Iam. Iam a mum of a two year old. And oh! No it’s not easy being a mum! Is it? But it’s surely worth all the hard work. And that’s how my freelance career kicked off. Ever since I had my little man, I found it rather tough to juggle between work and looking after the non-stop demands of a little wailing baby. I had turned almost a zombie when I reluctantly decided to freelance. Coz I loved my job at Morrisons. my career didn’t quite start as a writer, though always writing, never disconnecting from the writer inside me, I continued looming up a world of words that found its expression in varied forms. Like any other 20 year old I was enamored by the thought of being independent and the quickest way to do it was a BPO! Well who doesn’t like making money? To be fair, it wasn’t all that bad actually. I realized I loved to connect to people, loved to have a nice laugh with them, strike a rapport, try to help them with all my capacity. Soon, I had a calling from within surely that’s not what I wanted to do, I wanted to write, to express, to reach to people. Which is when Times Group happened; I was a part of online division. Always having a bent towards doing something creative. Times threw me an opportunity to do just that. The job required to me ideate, conceptualize, write for different events. What I enjoyed most was the radio bit, I have sung jingles, broadcasted the forecast subjects Tarot and Astrology. It was all so creative and fun at the same time. Getting married, straight after which I had to leave the job as we moved to the UK, where I started working as a freelance journalist, writer, content developer, alongside working at Morrisons at customer service. Been a part of Aceville Publications, Edge Allen, Morrisons in house magazine. All of us have dreams and aspirations in life. And so do I To be successful, to make a difference. That’s what I would like to do, that’s what I aspire to be.

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