Trying to Fix Your Marriage Alone?
“Never let a problem to be solved become more important than the person to be loved”—Barbara Johnson
Does the above quote ring a bell ?
Does it imply that your love is one-sided and so are your efforts or does it mean that running alone after problems in your marriage will create trouble in your paradise?
Whatever may be the point you side with , the stage of marriage where one of you falls behind and gets diverted or uninterested happens in almost every marriage on this lovely earth!
Many lifetime events like the birth of a child, shifting to a new house, strenuous work hours or a third person in your relationship can easily strain and change the dynamics of your comfort level.
So, if you are in that desperate situation , thinking about how you can put your full effort to change the situation or clean up the mess, then you are in the right place!
But, first things first, is it really possible to grab your partner by the neck to save yourself from the submerging boat to the shore?
Doubt that it is actually possible, and it definitely NOT possible in real relationships in real life too.
The opposite statement is very true in the case of “one partner can’t save a relationship” since “one partner can’t ruin a relationship”!
That is the deal, the bond and the team of the two life-partners which needs to work together with each other’s glaring discrepancies and attitudes.
Just as they state that a clap cannot be made with one hand clapping , so a marriage cannot be saved with one partner struggling…
If you are in this sad condition and see no angel around to magically transform your marriage overnight, follow these basic tips to let the magic act on your partner and your marriage.
Tip 1: Save your beliefs in your marriage ideals and goals
If your partner is not able to catch up or reconsidering/blaming your decision to get married, it is your responsibility to save and believe in your marriage. If your goals and ideals about marriage also waver, then there are bound to be dilemmas in wonderland.
Tip 2: Be firm , but forgive soon
There is no point in trying to run after an already emotionally unstable partner , especially when there are issues which are still unresolved. Try to postpone the fights for later and reconcile with your partner, since you currently are in control of your situation.
Tip 3: Set the boundaries and expectations
If your matters have been sorted alone or with someone’s help, then that is very good. But, to prevent such episodes in the future, chart out a shareable plan which you both can agree upon regarding your unsaid expectations, duties and of course boundaries. What is off-limits can be decided upon, for example, leaving the house in the middle of the fight or going all silent and breaking down communication for a start.
Tip 4: If cheating and betraying, deal peacefully
It is quite tough to be in a spot where you have come to know about your partner’s wandering eye. But, you have to deal with it, but not loose your self-worth and respect in the process. Your parner should know that they have committed a mistake and they have to repent for it.
If they have admitted to being wrong and giving the marriage another chance by cutting all ties with that third person , all well and good.
But, if they have truly diverted their attention from you openly and are sneaking out under your nose , then it is time to seriously consider your future together and talk firmly about your feelings about the fiasco.
Try to make peace only if their conditions are negotiable and do not disturb your feeling of self-worth and faith in the power of love.
Tip 5: Try to find out why you are not catching up together
Is it a change in your routines or some work-related stress, is it the birth of your first baby or some intimacy problem? The possibilities are many and so should be your discussions. Try to sort out each other so that you can jump into the marriage bandwagon with pleasure and no guilt or regret.
Tip 6: Consult a counsellor or knowledgeable friend
Some issues do creep up which cannot be sorted alone between the two of you. Seeking help from a close friend or a family member will help break the deadlock. Seeking professional counselling and help when the same issues creep up from time to time will give the two of you some chance to breathe and cool down.
Tip 7 : Create a fall back plan or strategy to prevent it from re-occuring
Ok, so you came together again after much talking, reassuring and crying. But, what is the point of all this when you know that you may have to face this again if it re-occurs. Being prepared with a fall-back strategy is the best option. For example, if the two of you are unable to give time to each other and unable to reciprocate your love for each other. Make a deal with your partner that once you feel the gap rowing again, the two of you will jump into the car and go for a date or a long drive!
Isn’t that a fun way to sort out the tension. You will have something to fall back on, something to expect and it will make your understanding increase ten fold!
Tip 8: Clarify your expectations, notions and judgements
Talking clearly about your likes, dislikes and way of judging a situation , temperaments will loosen those tightening bonds of struggle and despair.
Tip 9: Freshen your marriage , open a new chapter
Freshen up and clean your schedule from those clogs blocking your marital life. Try to engage in a new activity together or enjoy a road trip in the company of some close friends to not fell suffocated but also let yourself be comfortably interactive.
Tip 10: Do not drag in the past , move forward together
Mistakes do happen, some can be easily forgiven and some cannot. If you have decided to move forward and give your partner another chance, then try to leave behind your past.hold each other’s hand and move forward towards new beginnings.
About the Author
Hi, I am Adeeba.I’m a freelance writer and a full time mom who likes writing intriguing stories and poems. I love leading my readers on an escape from everyday life. Nature is my inspiration and I firmly believe that self confidence is a key to success. My educational background includes an MTech in Computer Science and Engineering. I have a B.E. in Computer Science from M.J. College in Hyderabad, India. I have a research article on machine learning to my credit on IJEIR journal for Engineering research. Art mesmerizes me and reading fiction is my hobby.