Love is calling me. A new beginning awaits me. A fresh start is knocking at my door. But I am trying to find happiness in the trashcan of past memories. Monica Drake, author of Clown Girl quotes, “The Buddhists say if you meet somebody and your hearts pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that’s not the one. When you meet your ‘soulmate’ you’ll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation.” Does this entail that she is not my soulmate because even now, after almost a decade of togetherness, I still feel like a teenager in her presence. Mathematics seriously goes for a toss when we are in love. We always try to add an extra year, month or day to the span of our relationship. This gives a sort of self-assurance that I have been living with my partner for so so very long. The person with whom I have spent so many years created such beautiful memories. How can that very same person change? Where did all the promises of undying love, lifelong support, till death do us part and I wanna die in your arms vows vanish? I so wish I know what to do next or un-know the fact that she does not love me anymore.
As I sit alone in a darkened room with blinds pulled down and lights switched off, I try to create a gloomier than necessary environment. My marriage is crumbling down right in front of my eyes. Be it marriage, courtship or relationship, all hurt with the same intensity when things fall apart. We appear together only on our social media profiles. I am married to her and she is married to me but this is only on paper.
Even those who claim to be in a no strings attached relationship have something to share – their bodies. In their relationship, the term attached is used, even if it is in a negative concept. My relationship has no strings and no attachment. It is just a painful void that has turned so cold, it does not hurt anymore. Pain has become an integral part of my life. I am so much used to this pain of loneliness, I have no idea what will I do without it.
The other day, I was watching some wedding based Bollywood flick. Everyone in the house rehearsed for the sangeet ceremony. They wanted the dance steps to be right. All the participants were supposed to be in sync with each other. The garland exchange ceremony on the wedding day was rehearsed a couple of times. There was a wedding planner who was taking care of each and everything to make sure there are no goof-ups on the D-day. The motive was clear, everyone wanted the event to be perfect.
Imagine what if couples take a keen interest to make their marriage perfect instead of wedding. Things would have been completely different if we had taken carefully calculated steps before we signed the marriage papers. Here are some unanswered questions that I have been asking myself ever since I saw that movie.
What if I had assigned a pre-marriage counselor instead of a wedding planner? Sitting across the counselor’s desk, the two of us would have been able to realize whether it is purely a physical pull or we are actually meant for each other. I would have asked my partner about her lifestyle then. During those days, she used to enjoy my video games, football mania, and spiritual talks. Now I play video games only to annoy her. No more she claps gleefully when my favorite team scores a goal. The spiritual talks bore her. Was she pretending to be in love with me then or has she had had enough of me now? The marriage counselor would have been able to clearly analyze each of our personality. The pre-marriage counseling test would have made the two of us understand each other better.
During courtship, we perceive our partner subjectively. We love everything about them and accept all of their flaws. But the test would have surely made me aware of her mood swings, what she does when she is upset, what kind of lifestyle she prefers and what exactly she wants out of this relationship. All the fake answers given by her at that time would have made me realize that she has been pretentious then. I wonder how come the same parents (my parents) who were so adorable to her then have suddenly become unbearable to her.
In case, it is me who has faltered, I would have been able to decipher from the test results taken years ago. I would have surely changed myself if I was at fault. Had she been wrong, I would have either confronted her or spared her. But the kind of dilemma I face today as to what should I do now. This confusion, whose fault is it anyway. This guilt feeling, where exactly did I go wrong. These feelings would not have gnawed at my consciousness 24/7. My peace would not have deteriorated every second by the constant “What ifs?” Things would have been still painful if my marriage had fallen apart even after so much of caution. But the professional intervention would have warned me of the lurking danger.
Once again, I look at my mobile screen. The messages from my friends await my response. There is my closest confidant who knows all my weaknesses and turmoil. Her messages clearly indicate her concern for me. I know she feels for me but at this moment I don’t want her in my life. I don’t want a rebound. Under no circumstances, I would want to cause any pain to her. Why am I thinking so much about her? On one hand, I have someone who is always there for me while on the other hand, I have my lawfully wedded wife who is never there.
The authenticity of a relationship does not depend upon the duration. Time and space cannot monitor the truthfulness of any relationship. If time and space was the parameter to analyze the strength of a relationship. The limitations of space would have nullified all long-distance relationships. There are couples who stay under the same roof yet their heart is not connected. Couples spend ample amount of time together by maintaining social picture together but they do it out of peer pressure. In reality, they are not together in any possible manner.
Time and space is just a human construct. We don’t need a particular time to beseech our Creator. I have never seen my Creator in front of me, in my room or in the same vicinity. But I know It is always there for me.
This thought snapped something within me. I reminded myself, I have not been with her for a decade but only nine years. Four years of acquaintance which then somehow turned into love or so I presumed. We have been married for five years now but I have hardly been a partner or a lover to her since last three years.
My hands reached out to the light switch. Suddenly my room lit up with bright lights. Not only was there light all around me but the light also seemed to be emanating from within. I felt lighter and brighter. Dashing to the windows, I rolled up the blinds and opened the window. The moving cars, neon city lights and so much of sound from outside made me realize I AM ALIVE!
No more will I search desperately for happiness in the virus leaden ram of my past memories. It is about time I select the format button and erase all things that cause me pain. I will create new memories, make a fresh start and just embrace a whole new life that awaits me. I am alive and it is my right to live every moment of my life. Maybe, I am not ready for another relationship right now. But I am never too late to be young again.
Que Sera Sera, whatever will be, will be. Let me not chase love, let life find me. Love is just a part of life, it is the life that is whole. I can’t let my life slip through like this. The first thing I do right now is, make a list of things I would love to do. No more procrastination and definitely no more of recollection. No more imploration but only exploration. There is a beautiful adventure that awaits me. Let me set out, discover and explore. There is nothing that can tie me down now.
Hope you enjoyed the piece. If you know someone who is being trapped in a bad relationship, clinging to past memories or simply loves reading, then I request you to kindly share it with them. If you feel I have faltered somewhere, do let me know in the comment section below. Compliments, criticism, advice and suggestion, I heartily welcome it all. Don’t forget to drop by.