When ideal is not always ideal


Is love really a temporary insanity curable by marriage?
What is the real reason that society will not let the lovers marry who they want to without raising the unforgiving barriers of tradition, caste, incompatibility, and honor?

Marriage has been made the ultimate solution for taming couples lest they make any “wrong” decision in choosing their life partner and bring shame upon the entire family.
So, if the youngster falls in love with anyone (typically not of the same religion or caste), not to their liking and starts chatting on the internet, dating and going out on a regular basis, it is the end of the road for them now.
They just have to get married to either the “ideal spouse” chosen by their parents on the basis of family background, finance, caste, status, color, height and what not or undergo emotional blackmail about the trauma their family will have to face in case their marriage occurs. Even worse is that they are threatened, locked up and brutally assaulted for not conforming to their parent’s wishes, in the name of honor and respect in the ‘always-so-judgemental’ society.

So, why does all this happen in the first place? Cannot there be an open communication between the parents and these grown up adults to discuss their preferences for settling down, acceptable forms of courtship and the right age for marriage?
If these matters are clearly discussed between both sides, will it not be easy to sign and accept the marriage contract?
Is it only a contract after all?
Especially in India, it is not only a legally binding contract but an ultimate Power of Attorney which involves a marriage of two families and has a serious yet delicate interconnection between the fine lines of caste, religion, status and the long list I have already specified above.

Since communion in marriage is the basic foundation of the family community.
Yes, I said family community since marriage involves these two families, sorry communities as a whole now!
Why cannot they be left alone to deal with their love on their own?
Why do they have to be held responsible, grapple and forced to take sides, emerge victorious holding their placard of love still waving with the message “We are still happy(hic)”!

Now, shifting from the philosophy to some real stories and events which are even occurring today on a regular basis.
These voices have found the strength to utter their grief and break the silence thanks to the booming social media scene. Everything is now possible on the click of a button, even divorce !( referring to the very infamous innovation of “Triple Talaq” here)(add link-https://husbandwiferelationship.com/triple-talaq/)

There are many aspects of opposition before and after marriage, in reality, today- be it love or arranged. The whole procedure of meeting up, introduction, approval or rejection, hurting of emotions and extreme steps taken is a cross to bear for both the families.
We shall look at the possible scenarios faced by such couples, the opposing views they face and try to achieve a workaround before the situation goes out of hand.

1)An ideal love marriage which turns sour due to the spouse
2)An arranged marriage with adjustment problems with spouse and in-laws post wedlock.
3)An inter-caste marriage with no support before and after marriage
4)A traditional family opposing marriage decision
5)A forced marriage with everything forced!
6)Rejection for choosing an already divorced life partner
7)Opposition in the name of honor-some extreme cases
8)Marriages involving acid attacks and domestic violence

Let us now discuss the above scenarios in details and try to understand the point of view of the parents and the couple regarding the decision of marriage.I will also suggest some tips to take the best shot at dealing with the situation as it is a do or die situation in most cases.
Whatever decision you take, you are going to hurt or face resentment from some closed one. You cannot keep them all happy at the same time.
So, it is better to decide which decision is more apt to gain control of the situation to choose your happiness since it is the most difficult thing to be done and not help feel a bit selfish for irking up your loved ones!

1)An ideal love marriage which turns sour due to spouse

Scenario: Consider a much in love couple, Mr. M and Ms. W who belong to different castes. But, they were lucky in love and their parents agreed to their decision of getting married since they were spending too much time together to their liking. It was a typical case of a love cum arranged marriage and a fairytale wedding ensued.
After a few years, they started to fall out of love for various reasons and started having verbal abuse .Mr. M now started spending a lot of time away from home in the company of friends who enjoyed partying and drinking till the wee hours.
This would aggravate Mrs. M as he was her first love. He would come home drunk and start abusing and physically assaulting her. It was too much to take now and she threatened to file for a divorce if he did not gain control of his evil habits.
What was a perfect love story became a profound dark hole of abuse which was swallowing up their marriage steadily?

Point of View:
a)Husband(Mr. M)
” I used to drink occasionally at parties and get-togethers, what is wrong if I binge drink sometimes.
” It is my life, I like to drink with my gang of friends.
” It is my way to cope with the stresses of life and the demanding job I have.
” My wife will not let me get drunk, hence I do it at bars and pubs with my friends.
” It is my way of forgetting our marital problems and decreasing marital satisfaction.
” I feel I have been pushed into this addiction indirectly by my wife and family since they do not support and understand me now.
” I feel insulted and disrespected when my wife shouts at me when I get home drunk, blaming me for spoiling her life.

” This habit has kicked in because he did fell in the company of bad friends.
” It is mind-boggling when I think of the effects his abuse will have on me, my family, kids and our marriage.
” I will have him drink at home and not outside to avoid embarrassment.
” Even better, I will dispose of/hide all the alcohol in the house so that he can stop drinking too much.
” I have to cover up so much from him lest our close relatives and loved ones come to know or hear about his addiction.
” His troublesome, aggressive behavior and abuse are part of his addiction and I have learned how to ignore and accept it now.

Tips: What should the couple do in such a situation where their marriage is on the rocks and it is hurting mentally, emotionally and physically in their relationship, which initially started with love.
” No blaming and shaming, only rehearsing and planning!
” Be practical and honest about the addiction. It should not be hidden and covered up but instead faced and dealt with in an open manner.
” Stop blaming each other for the situation and try to help each other sort out and slowly improve the drinking pattern and promote a healthy lifestyle.
” Consult a therapist, spiritual leader, a close relative whom you trust or a social worker to seek help in dealing with this problem.
” Seek professional help always and never try to give medicines or assume the role of a healthcare professional cum counselor since addiction is a disease, which can also be fatal if not dealt with in a professional way.(This point is for Mrs. M especially).
” Follow up on the rehabilitation and detox program for your spouse and seek help for yourself too.
” Enroll in programs like Alcoholics Anonymous, DARA Rehab, Alcoholism and Drug Information Centre depending on the stage of addiction and seek help to develop a better life away from addiction.
” Dial the national toll-free number for seeking help in alcohol abuse.
For India -1800-11-0031
” Patience and perseverance is the ultimate key to come out of this avalanche together and withdraw your marriage from the black hole again!

Confronting the break in tradition-Part 1

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