BDSM- Taboo or Trend

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“Feeling kinky?”

“Let us be a little experimental tonight.”

There he goes to the secret drawer. Takes out clamps, handcuffs, ropes, and tapes.

He handcuffs her. Or just ties her up to the bedpost. 

Blindfolded. Helpless and totally at his mercy. The man is the dom and his partner is the submissive. He will now torture her. Spank her. Flogging and gagging will turn them on. His power will arouse him. She will enjoy the pain.

Isn’t this the kind of picture we all have regarding BDSM. Bondage, domination, submission, and masochism is the full form of BDSM.

Fifty shades of grey upped the sales of sex toys. The vanilla couples turned kinky. Bedroom became more of Christian Grey’s playroom. This novel is a good read for the bored housewives. It will surely add spice to their fantasies. But the depiction of BDSM in this novel is far from the truth.

For long, I have been disturbed by the fact. “Why do the women in bondage arouse me?” “How does it feel to have total control over someone?” “Will I get someone who thinks just like me?”

If SM – Sadism Masochism is the final stage. BD – Bondage, and Domination is the initial level. This practice involves two people who want the same thing but from a reverse angle. If I am the dominating one then definitely my partner would be someone who is utterly submissive.

Does BDSM Degrade Women?

National Organization for Women (NOW) rejects BDSM. As per NOW, BDSM violates the principles of feminism. However, there were other BDSM members of NOW who launched a campaign against anti-SM policy. It was being revoked in 1923. This clears the objection against BDSM. It does not degrade women. There are women who have positive experiences in BDSM practice. [1]

Is BDSM a Criminal Practice?

Unfortunately, the society has a low regard for BDSM which it does not deserve. Due to the availability of vast literature. Mainly by those who have little or wrong knowledge about this practice. People often associate it with criminal minds. However, till now there is no statistical evidence that establishes a link between BDSM practice and violent sex crimes. [2]

It is a confirmed fact. BDSM practice is not criminal, humiliating or perverse. Then why do people indulge in it?

What Kind of Couples Practice BDSM?

The couples who are totally normal. My reply can be a little shocking but it is true. This practice is a bond of extreme TRUST. We as kids used to play “Trust Me,” or “Blind Man’s Buff.” In these games, we are totally dependent upon our partners.

Similarly, BDSM is a game of power-play/ discipline. Two consenting adults out of extreme trust indulge in mental/ physical games. It is the practice of intense discipline. Here the sub follows all the commands of the dom obediently.

The element of surprise excites the couple. Here one of the partners is blindfolded. The other one or the dom will titillate its partner. These scintillating unpredictable sensations would create a havoc in the mind and body of the two.

It is the trust factor which makes BDSM so special.

In any other relationship. Sex is involuntary and most of the time casual. After some time, the whole practice becomes monotonous and quite a drag. This monotony is missing in BDSM practice. The couples prepare everything beforehand. They put care and effort to nurture the intimacy. Each of the scene if prepared before the final act.

The plot is set. The props are being prepared. The two of them await the moment of intimate togetherness.

In the light of this, do you still consider this practice dehumanizing?

When Did BDSM Start?

Contrary to the beliefs, BDSM did not come into existence post, Fifty Shades of Grey. It is as old as Ancient Greece. Vatsyayana’s Kamasutra (300 A.D) depicts BDSM practice in its erotic postures. It kind of gets wild during these chapters. Spanking, biting and scratching are explained and highlighted for intense sexual pleasure. It is the ancient book of lovemaking. People in present day and age also refer to the Kamasutra to add spice to their life.

Is BDSM a Result of Childhood Trauma or Mental Sickness?

For long, I coined with the idea that I am neurotic. My sexual behavior with my partner is insanity. Looking back into the deep recess of my childhood. Trying to locate incidents of child abuse, even in the remote sense. There is none I could remember. Then I shuffled through modern psychology reports.

It confirms the majority of BDSM couples indulge in this practice out of boredom or aversion towards vanilla sex. They find the concept of two bodies rubbing against each other totally unfulfilling and unsatisfying. To them, kink means more. Something that involves intense mental activity.

The only reason why BDSM is so vehemently condemned is its novelty. Just a few decades ago homosexuality and oral sex were also tagged as “perverse” and unnatural. Latest studies confirm otherwise.

All the couples who think out of “vanilla” box are completely healthy, mentally.

Surprisingly enough, more than 20% of adults report arousal from BDSM stories and images.

Still not convinced that BDSM enthusiasts are normal? What is your argument?

How Can Humiliation or Spanking Arouse Someone?

To begin with, anything consensual is never humiliating. Everything that is done without your will is abusive.

Almost all the athletes after a good score slap the scorer’s butt. Is this abusive? Do they intend to humiliate their scorer? Definitely no!

Similarly, a person who is totally into one’s partner. The trust level is so high that they have bared their souls open to each other. In this situation, the flowers of BDSM blossoms. This practice is something of an extreme sport.

In extreme sports, people get bruised, exhausted yet they feel exhilarated. Similarly, after an intense play of power, tension, and discipline. The couples feel euphoric. It is completely normal and absolutely natural.

Unfortunately, it is the media which has sketched a gross picture of this practice.

Who are the Dom and Sub?

Subs are the ones that enjoy the pain. The sensations of pinpricks, slaps or clamps turns them on. The doms are not always the ruthless monster. They are the most loving partners. Since everything is under their control. They have to be extra cautious. It is the dom who controls the sub, the situation and most importantly, himself.

The beauty of this practice is, the tables can be turned anytime. From the outside, the dom appears to be the one who has the control of everything. But in reality, it is actually the sub who controls the dom. The moment a sub utters the “safe words,” the dom needs to stop. So, it is the sub who dominates the entire scene by getting dominated.

How To Start?

All the enthusiasts, who happen to be first-timers. Decide on your own what you want.

Before I began BDSM with my partner. I did a thorough research.

It is divided into two groups:

B & D – Bondage and Discipline/ domination

S & M – Sadism/ submission and Masochism

If you want the former then go for blindfolds or ropes and tapes.

If the latter is your thing then you need to be more cautious with your hands while spanking or flogging your partner.

The most, and I mean the most important rule of the game is – consent. If and only if both of you are on the same wavelength. Then only you must go ahead. Else, just drop the idea. BDSM is all about consensual feelings.

Many at times it so happens, couples do not discuss what they want in bed. Lack of communication regarding lovemaking diminishes intimacy. An open or heart to heart discussion is the golden rule of an ideal relationship.

Romance is not about celebrating Valentine’s Day or anniversary only. It requires transparency, kinkiness, arguments, and trust. I may have missed out a couple of vital ingredients of romance. There are chances my idea of BDSM does not correlate with yours. Kindly fill in the gaps. Point out my mistakes. Or just drop a note of appreciation. I would willingly embrace all of it.

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Anjum Baba

About the Author

Anjum Baba

I am a storyteller, healer, seeker, and wanderer. Knowledge cannot be bottled in mere degrees. Even though I hold a Masters degree in English, still, I consider myself to be just a student. I am a voracious reader, prolific writer and big time movie buff. Rules and boundaries have always bored me. Writing helps me break all barriers and dogma. Curious and inquisitive to know about the world, universe, and multiverse, and the beings living in it. Since interacting with the aliens or creatures from other planets is not possible for me now. I would love to hear from my readers and interact with them.

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